so early

4:30 a.m. is SO EARLY!  that’s when i got up to nurse julia & get ready to leave for the hospital with matt.  he really wanted coffee- but no food or drink after midnight for him!  i tried to be nice & not eat or drink in front of him- see what a good wife i am? : )

check-in is long & tedious because they have to be so thorough about every little detail- repeat your name, your SSN, your doctor, your procedure, have you eaten anything, no really have you eaten anything… but eventually they got it all covered & everyone was satisfied that they were ready.  they took him back at 7:30, and i just got confirmation that they have begun the surgery at 8:15.
holy cow- that’s a little unsettling.  they explained the procedure in more detail than i really wanted, so now i know what they are doing to “begin the surgery.”  
crap.
to be honest, i’m pretty scared.  i’m the youngest person in this waiting area by at least 15 years if not more… i feel like we shouldn’t be here.  it seems “bad” to talk about, but i’ve been feeling afraid that matt will die.  i suppose that’s natural in any case, and we have experienced a lot of death already the last year or so.  i have every reason to trust that he will be fine (statistics, reliable doctors, hope in Christ), but some emotions just won’t give in to rationality.  i’m okay- just dealing with it all.  
a good friend (who is very far away!) sent me a message and said that she is confident that God is meeting us in this… and He is. i have said before that God is not changing our circumstances, but that I trust that He is no less good and no less loving in our lives than during the happiest moments.  He is still present with me, and His presence is stronger than my fear.  i don’t know how to explain it better, but if you want to understand better i will try.  maybe over a cup of coffee in a few weeks when this is over…
and the family next to me was just discussing anal probes… awesome.
thanks for your prayers- i’ll update again when they give me more information at 2 hours (10:15ish).
-rachel
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