Note the small size of book, evidenced by nub

My lovely, thoughtful sister in law and friend Kerry bought me two small leather books for Christmas. This one (a combo: Andrew Murray and Brother Lawrence) and all 3 parts of the Westminster Confession of Faith. I have been using the Andrew Murray book as a devotional periodically since Christmas (by periodically I mean about 7 times).

I struggle to have time alone with the LORD. Some call it a quiet time, others a devotional time, and at Riverside it is “Solitude with God” as a spiritual practice/reality. I need many kinds of devotionals apparently, I like an intellectual edge, and I hope for something really practical too.

Murray’s book, “With Christ in the School of Prayer” sounds anything but sexy on its own merit – but I want every one of those prepositions, I really do. And, the book is small and leather. Furthermore, I am leading a men’s study and Andrew Murray’s words resound with it in a way that really encourages my heart.  Specifically, he states that prayer must flow from a deep knowledge of the Father Heart of God.  “We thought of new and deeper insight into some of the mysteries of the prayer-world as what we should get in Christ’s school; He tells us the first is the highest lesson; we must learn to say well, ‘Abba, Father!’…  He that can say this is the key to all prayer.”

His book is based upon Jesus’ teachings on prayer (so I usually learn something).  His wording is funny (thee’s and such) which makes me focus.  And he prays at the end, so I am learning then learning by doing.  What about you?  I assume your solitude/quite time/devotional time has gone up and down (I actually assume this even if you are not a Christian – that your time alone is important, and that it has come and gone with varying seasons).  What has aided you?  What have you tried that has not ‘worked’ at all.

Clearly, I am having trouble blogging in 2011. Part of the reason is that I actually cannot nail down a particular topic, or structure to help me with the number of things I would enjoy writing about.

Last night we had dinner with two other couples and both members of one couple have read Jonathan Franzen. She has read Freedom and The Corrections and he is reading the 27th City. This kind of interaction forces me to go into crazy-dork mode. I used to be in a book club, and apparently need that outlet!

I loved Freedom. One of my outgoing email signatures is a quote from it that (I think) represents Franzen’s abilities well. “Walter hated cats. They seemed to him the sociopaths of the pet world”. Freedom is very graphic, doesn’t shy away from the potential dark sides of suburban life, and his sentences are long (so are Hemingway’s and the Apostle Paul’s, especially if you’re reading Ephesians). You can probably tell where I stand on that one.

Here is the question I want to ask about Freedom and about books. How much does your gender matter in your enjoyment (or lack) of a book? I like Nick Hornby too, and in my limited experience women think he is fine and men think he is hilarious. This is in line with my experience last night talking Freedom. What is your own experience? Obviously, the softball answer is with TV and movies – clearly there are some differences of opinion genderly-speaking when discussing action movies, romantic comedies, Grey’s Anatomy (which I am ashamed to say I watch), and others. Thoughts? Discuss…

Freedom is also a brilliant portrayal of the destruction humans are capable of when we buy into the paramount cultural virtue of autonomy. 🙂

I finished “Underworld” by Don Delillo yesterday on our 80’s style exercise bike.  It probably took me 6 months to finish, and 3 years to pick up.  My older brother Russell gave it to me with a strong recommendation – which means a lot.

A few months ago a friend invited me to hear Delillo speak – then the friend didn’t come 🙂  So, I was in the room with a bunch of students who had to be there, a bunch of professors, and a few non-university-types who clearly love his books.  At the time I had only read White Noise, and was just getting into Underworld.  It is a long book – centered around the Cold War through the lens of a young man named Nick Shay.  The breadth of this book is amazing.  The Thomson/Branca baseball plays an important role – and eventually ends up in Shay’s hands.

I need a year to process this book.  There is significant time spent with J. Edgar Hoover, a fictional famous artist, a spray-painter in NYC, and Lenny Bruce.  I will say this – my 3 evaluation lenses for media all call this an outstanding piece of art.  1.  Is it a good Story?  Absolutely, we never lose sight of the Cold War and we never lose sight of this man trying to come to grips with his father wounds.  2.  Morals?  I think Underworld faithfully represents man’s potential for glory and for violence towards neighbor.  3.  Do people change?/How do they change?  Yes, but slowly, and a lot is necessary!

I am glad I read it.  I don’t know if I recommend it – it is very violent, occasionally very sexual, and incredibly long.  But, if none of that puts you off it is very worth the read.

Here is what I wrote down from Delillo’s lecture at SLU.

“Underworld just had to be a monster, and I followed it.”  Many great authors describe their stories as things already in existence that they simply wrote down because they had to.  Tolkien is like this.  Part of me is cynical, but I found Delillo neither proud nor humble – he is simply a writer.

“I’m not trying to be dark and pessimistic (described that way by the mediocre interviewer), I’m just writing the world as I see it.”

“I don’t worry about my audience because I cannot control what they will think.”  Said plainly, not annoyed or excited to be saying this…

Describing a novel I cannot remember, “I just put a guy in a supermarket and the rest is inexplicable.”

Asked about his characters, “What can I say?  I made them up.  Libra (about Lee Harvey Oswald – still fiction) and Underworld are about conflict.  Nick’s conflict (with his father’s image) in light of the threat of Nuclear War.”

“There is something about a historical event and its mark on a human soul that fiction can talk about and historians/journalists can’t.”  In addition to Libra and underworld, Delillo has written about 9/11 in his book “Falling Man”.

About Falling Man, “I had a picture of a man in a suit and tie, carrying a brief case, covered in dust.  This image didn’t make sense to me, it couldn’t have been his brief case.  I had another image/novel in mind and the man in dust essentially walked through that image.”

“I wanted to write a tactless novel”.  I think this way about Libra…

Thanks to Brian Janous for helping me to read White Noise (through our now defunct Book Club), and thanks to my brother for buying me Underworld.

I am becoming a regular blogger again.  Mentoring Series is over…

Sometimes I go see a movie on my day off.  Maybe once/month.  On Friday I saw Tron Legacy because I thought it looked amazing – old story, Father/Son Dynamics, amazing alternate world, Ducati motorcycles.  It was not a good movie.  I appreciated the fighting.  But, there wasn’t enough if the story and characterization are going to be that poor.

This past month one of our Sunday School classes was on Media, and while I would not attend I thought about how I was have worked through it.  Story, morals, and characterization are the things I would highlight.  They overlap, and including morals would have been humoring “Sunday School” expectations.  Said differently: is it a good story (good conflict, good redemption – or lack thereof), and how does the media deal with the question of people changing.  I would have liked more from Tron in those departments.  There is a lot of dialogue explaining things, but I didn’t get the sense that I understood what had happened in the past 28 years.  Oh well.

In the Spirit of the discussion I believe I will no longer see (in the theaters) a movie that Rotten Tomatoes scores less than 60-65.  Thoughts?  Discuss…

#19: Tom Ricks.

Tom is the lead pastor of Greentree Community Church.  GTC planted Riverside in November of 2001.  I came to work for Riverside (then Greentree Webster Groves) in December of 2002, and as the only full time staff member Tom was my supervisor.  In September of 2003 Scott Sauls was hired to lead Riverside.  The 3 of us had a conversation, and Tom encouraged me in that meeting.  He said when I feel pressured I go maverick (not Tom Cruise, but ‘alone’…  maybe he meant Tom Cruise, but I think he meant I go alone sometimes) and that that isn’t healthy.

Today I caught myself going maverick.  I thought of Tom and was thankful for his careful but incisive words.

A few years later I was really struggling with something and asked Tom’s advice.  In the midst of the conversation he said that a pastor’s role is to first care for the spiritual well being of the person in front of him – if that is not his first concern then he has a real problem.  This could easily be applied to anyone professing to know Jesus 🙂  but that is another blog post.

His advice encourages me on some days and haunts me on others.  I am excited to grow; I assume I will continue to blow it some days and not on others.  Thanks Tom.

I am 33 years old.  I am done with school unless many things change drastically (in me and around me).  My family might be set at 4.

Blogging seems less interesting to me.  At the same time, I would enjoy putting something out there that was some kind of encouragement.  I say this because it is true.  I also say it because I tried to blog last week and I wrote for awhile and realized I didn’t want to finish the post.  The purpose was to discuss the assumptions I now encounter because I attended Covenant Seminary.

Reason #1 I did not want to finish/publish the post: the blog sounded negative and unless I find grave injustice or become much funnier as a blogger, I don’t want to be negative.  I don’t like it when people lash out and hurt one another on the internet (without cause), and I like it even less when Christians do it.  I wasn’t lashing out, but I couldn’t re-write the post enough to keep it from sounding negative – either towards people or towards my school.

Reason #2: everyone deals with assumptions.  I have a couple of friends who have had 4 children.  People treat them strangely.  My oldest brother teaches philosophy at a college in Elmhurst – I wonder what his life is like relative to assumptions?  So, really, reason #2 is that my blog post was not based upon a compelling point or idea.

I would prefer to write about a compelling idea or two.

I’m done with the Mentoring Posts.  I could have written for a long time – I have another brother I didn’t write about, I have another grandpa, I have other professors and authors.  Maybe I will take it up again 🙂  In the meantime, I will think about e-encouragement to readers.  Maybe a few posts/week on the Psalms.  A series on understanding God’s commands as mission.  Journaling about Julia – my beautiful, wonderful, sometimes violent 2 year old (who was fabulous on the plane to Texas yesterday – literally didn’t cry the whole time).  Have you ever seen Julia’s eyes?  They are amazing.

As I get older I learn that most of the people I know with degrees and advanced degrees ‘winged it.  We got the grades, we learned what we thought we were ‘supposed to learn’, and we moved on – hoping to find a job that was more fulfilling or exciting.

I am from Oklahoma; so attending the University of Missouri was a a getaway for me (although Patricia, my step mom who I love dearly and isn’t my ‘step mom’, but I don’t want to confuse anyone – wanted me to go to Pepperdine…  what was wrong with me at age 19 that I didn’t follow her advice?).  I thought education, but the people in that office freaked me out my freshman year.  I thought Journalism, but never with any seriousness.  Sophomore year I declared as an English Major, and pretty soon doubled that up to Religious Studies.  Dr. Steve Friesen was a lot of the reason for the second major.

He taught the majority of ‘Biblical’ and ‘Biblical text’ courses at Mizzou, and during my time there I had him for around 28 hours.  His specialty is in Apocalyptic Literature, and he lectured throughout the Humanities Sequence also.  In one of those lectures, I remember hearing Dr. Friesen argue and lecture that Paul’s Letter to the Romans might be the most important letter written in the history of the world.  Sounds trite on my blog because I am a pastor.  Dr. Friesen was lecturing to 400 Honors College Students (I wasn’t in the Honors College, I somehow got into 3/4 of the Humanities Classes anyway).  It wasn’t trite there, it was a good lecture.

Dr. Friesen grew up Mennonite, attended Fuller, did some Missionary work, and then got a PHD from Harvard.  He made his students buy their books from the Peace Nook in Columbia.  I found this hilarious, many students were offended, but Dr. Friesen is a pacifist and didn’t mind pushing buttons.  He also had one of the driest senses of humor I ever came across academically.  He once offered, as a point in an outline, “Living’ La Vida Resurrecta’ with no explanation, dance, or musical interpretation.

As a friend he was encouraging.  I took an Independent Study Class with him my last semester – translating and writing – and enjoyed the time chatting as much as the engagement of Hebrew Verb forms.  That semester I had a terrible family emergency that took me away from Missouri for a week.  Dr. Friesen vouched for my character to the English Department.

As a professor/lecturer/thinker Dr. Friesen implied, taught, and discussed in such a way that I knew I did not need to leave my mind at the door to remain an orthodox Christian.  At the same time, I could engage all levels of scholarship and attempt to think critically in regards to it.  In an age of visceral, threatening rhetoric, I still sense my debt to Dr. Friesen.  He taught credibly and responsibly; attacking neither side, but letting neither off of the hook.  By both sides I am drastically simplifying the fact that there are scholars of the Bible that do not think it is a ‘credible’ book for facts and world view and there are scholars that do think it is credible.  It is ironic that I am simplifying, but I’m going to do it anyway 🙂

My sophomore year I took his New Testament class and remember Christians in the class struggling with the canon formation.  I remember his pauses when students would quote Scripture at him in defense of Biblical Inerrancy.  I wonder how that felt.  I remember the white board as he outlined reasons to think Paul did write this or this letter, and reasons to think he didn’t.  I thought it was very respectful of the fact that everyone in the room had a personal stake in the lecture.  There is room in the class for someone who is an inerrantist, but that line of argumentation is dismissive of the academic environment of a Mid-Level Religious Studies Course.  I also remember another student, in an advanced class on Paul and his letters, receiving an A on a paper arguing contrary to popular scholarship about the authorship of one of Paul’s letters.  This was the kind of thinking Dr. Friesen encouraged – your beliefs are good, but this is an academic environment and it is only respectful to engage them in this fashion.  That was implied, but never used as a backhand.  At least not by the professor 🙂

I know there are many professors in many colleges who do not teach in this manner.

Dr. Friesen used to star certain class days as “Brown Bag Lunch Days” when he thought the syllabus was getting controversial and students might enjoy a more intimate setting to talk.

A few years ago, in a Seminary Course on Revelation I contacted Dr. Friesen to ask him some questions.  I believe he is now at the University of Texas in Austin.  He responded many times, helped me wade through the mountains of scholarship on that tricky book.  I graduated 10 years ago, and am humbled that it is so easy to get in touch with him and that he took the time to write me back.

Distilling how someone has mentored me isn’t easy.  I get wordy.  I use the Passive Voice.  I feel like I’m grasping at air.  Trying to turn my story into a bullet point or two.

Dr. Friesen loved well, and that from a position that doesn’t encourage or explain how to do that.  Dr. Friesen is a good teacher – the kind who instills a lifelong trust in academia.  More importantly, he helped me not fear ‘Liberal Scholarship’ as much of Christianity is want to do.  I am a better critical thinker because of him.  I am also a more thoughtful Christian.

I played basketball in 4th grade and was fine I think for a 4th grader.  I did not play in 5th and 6th grade because baseball was more interesting (and I was better at it; although, someone should have made me wear my contacts when I played.  Seriously, little white ball, young man can’t see things far away!).  I started again in 7th grade playing for my best friend’s dad.  Last game of the year he asked me if I wanted to play or if I wanted the team to win.  As I think back on that I don’t know that I understood the question so much as I understood what I was supposed to say.  I think we won 32-31, and I did hit a free throw (in the first half).  Andrew Armstrong was the player who took my minutes in the second half.  Later we called him stretch as he grew and grew to be like 6:7 or something.

8th grade I was okay, didn’t make mistakes, could shoot a little; my defense had to have been bad but I don’t remember being yelled at.  I just remember that we had this incredibly elaborate play called Dr. Tom and at the beginning of the year I got to shoot a baseline jumper at the end of Dr. Tom.

9th grade.  Freshman ball, size medium shorts, throwing up after conditioning in the pre-season, running a 6.7 forty yard dash, and playing the role of 6th man on a 6 man Freshman Club.  We were 5-8.  one night, against Bixby coach Hogue sat down with me on the bench and said, “Matt, I’m glad you’re here on the bench with me.”  To this day I didn’t know if he liked me or was simply glad I wasn’t on the court.  He is a nice guy, and a great coach so i’m sure he meant he was glad to sit with me 🙂

Grant Marshall was our All-State Shooting guard.  He was good looking, could hit any shot, seemingly never lost the ball, the ladies seemed to love him, etc.  I remember it was against Bixby that coach said that, but I do not remember the circumstances that led up to Grant taking me to school in the mornings.  Maybe it was because he could do these amazing drills as we were warming up (like the spider where you dribble with each hand in front, and then each hand in back, while keeping the ball under your legs), and coach Owens mentioned more than once that he could do that because he was dedicated.  Later he interpreted that word to mean, “Grant gets up at 5:30 and works on these drills before school”.  Later that year Coach and Grant made a video of these drills and sold a few copies at Coach’s camps.  It went into slow-motion so you could actually see Grant’s hands as he did the Spider.  Sometime during Freshman year Grant gave me his old basketball.  My first leather ball.  I could easily pick it out along side 50 other ones because I knew the shade and tint so well.  My older brother ruined it that summer by taking it outside for an hour.

So, he took me to school in the mornings.  I did ball handling drills and shooting drills I had no business doing.  I should have worked on my speed, jumping, quickness, or found a pick up game in the mornings so I would be less nervous in actual game situations.  Nevertheless, it became pretty clear to all the coaches that I was going.  To this day I am a mediocre ball handler, but I can do the spider faster than you can.  Seriously.  That year we lost in the Area Semi-Finals.  The game before that Grant scored 28 against Cimarron.  My young mind doesn’t remember much about the game we lost except that I think it came down to free throws.  I don’t know if Grant liked me.  I believe he respected me for getting up in the mornings with him.  Even more so on the days when I made him a Toaster Strudel.  I scratched him once in the hall way when he was spinning his basketball around on one finger (I was trying to ‘steal’ it.)  It was embarrassing.

At the end of the year we always did Senior Wills, and Grant willed me the ability to continue getting up in the mornings and practicing (which I did).  He said I would be a great player someday (still waiting for that day!) and to keep at it.  He played D1 for awhile at Stephen F. Austin, but as is often the case the coach was trying pretty hard to get something going so Grant would get 30 minutes one night (20 points), and not play the next.  At least that is how I remember it.

Is this how most mentoring goes?  Just take someone under your wing, show them a bit of what you know, and then encourage them to keep at it?  As I write this at the age of 33 – still in love with basketball, scored 2 points last night but we won and I thought I played pretty well – I don’t know who I would have been in high school if Grant hadn’t picked me up.  Sophomore year was tough, not a lot of playing time on JV, a series of 3-week girlfriends, grades went down quite a bit as I realized I had peaked at what I could get with exactly zero effort.  but I still got up in the mornings and practiced.  By this time I couldn’t fit in my shorts from Freshman year (although I wouldn’t grow taller than I was that year).  Kendall King was usually there in the mornings, and I remember comfort at seeing his Green Grand Cherokee when it wasn’t light yet and there were no other cars in the parking lot.  Kendall was a good all around player, who was comfortable playing at least four positions.

I wonder if Grant helped my reputation any?  I wonder if I would have kept playing basketball if I hadn’t played in the mornings.  I wonder if I would have made the team Sophomore year?

I do know I’m thankful.  I know that basketball is ‘my sport’.  I know I miss the simplicity of those early morning drills.

Thanks Grant.

Last weekend I had the privilege of going to a Wild at Heart Bootcamp at Young Life’s Crooked Creek camp.  It was very very good for my heart.

In 2000 I was friends with a girl who passed on to me a tape of John Eldredge using a scene from Hoosiers to illustrate the gravity of Jesus asking his disciples to carry on his work.That is a long sentence.  I should work on those.  The scene is where Gene Hackman gets himself thrown out of a game on purpose so that Dennis Hopper (whose story, if you remember, revolves around missing a jump shot in the playoffs – this is why his satirical nickname around town is “Shooter”) will step forward, take the playbook, etc.  The scene begins (according to my tape.  Yes, tape.  I am kind of getting old) with Gene Hackman saying to the referee, “You Got shit in your eyes?”  Listening to the tape made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I still refer to it often to explain the gravity of Jesus leaving the mission to us.

The next year I heard Eldredge speak for around 6 hours.  The series of talks became his book Journey of Desire.  My friend Bryan Crowley and I saw him in the bathroom after his talks.  We joked with him some…  He was not the first speaker I heard use movie clips, but his use of them was very helpful.  What I remember from that talk was his careful, Biblical explanation that my desires are not bad – not at their root, not really, even though they often become addictions (idols).  My heart is not wicked.  This was interesting.  Many pastors bumble by this, abusing the Scriptures which are clear: once you come to trust Jesus – you’re good.  God sees Jesus when he looks at you, he isn’t mad at you anymore (because sin isn’t the deepest thing about you anymore).  I was nervous when I went to Seminary that I was going to unlearn this (I don’t know why really, I just was).  Far from it, my Old Testament Professor and I had a conversation about it and he was confused most of the time.  I do this to certain people a lot; confuse them.  Anyway, Eldredge first understood the language of the New Covenant and its implications from Watchman Nee and I am very dependent upon his explanation when I talk to people and especially when I preach.

The following year I read Wild at Heart.  It unnerved me.  Good Masculinity?  Really?  Masculinity bestowing masculinity?  Really?  As a kid I was afraid to climb trees, fight, etc.  I knew in my core being that this was a problem, but no one ever really explained why.  Guns, basketball, fear of doing flips off of the diving board…  all of these things (and more: thinking the girl is the adventure) were being explained to me – more importantly, explained in light of the grand story of God rescuing his people.  I remember when Rachel and I broke up (it is still kind of debated who broke up with who).  I was crushed.  But, I wasn’t really crushed.  The lump in my throat was there, but I played basketball that day.  We won a lot of games, I played within my abilities, shot well, finished well, and remember getting a nice compliment from an older friend named Matt Houston that I had really brought my A-Game that day.  Matt is a Jayhwak and knew me when I was 18; that means his compliment meant a ton.  I was learning how to be a man.

In 2003 I drove John and Morgan (one of the Ransomed Heart team members) to and from Kanakuk to speak during their Work Week.  It was very fun.  We had to stop for gas, and John washed my windows while asking me about Youth Ministry and the tricky aspects of when people ask about numbers, etc.  I had heard the talks before, but it was good to watch Kanakuk College Students hear them, “My heart isn’t wicked?”  “No, not anymore.  That was before…  that is old covenant.”

I have continued to read his books.  I continue to love them.  if you’re reading this and didn’t like the Theology in Wild at Heart – he was more clear in his later books.  Under his mentoring I learned that the way I am wired as a Man is good – not as a rule, but as a rule under the scrutiny of the Bible.  My prayer life is more conversational through his leadings.  When I struggle to love my wife well; what I hear from this mentor is “What kind of man do you want to be?”  And it is helpful, freeing, a kind of Christianity and masculinity I can really believe in.

I have met 3 semi-celebrities in my life: John Eldredge, Donald Miller, and Christopher Hitchens (video here).  They are celebrities as authors and speakers I admire.

A few years ago Mr. Hitchens was in St. Louis for a debate, and afterwards (through my great friend Robbie) I was able to get a drink with him and a few others from around St. Louis.  Now that Mr. Hitchens has cancer I have been approached by a few people either asking me what I think or sending me an article he has written, etc.  An old friend (who should have called me and talked for 10 minutes then just watched the end of the video) sent me this link and I finally got around to watching it.

First, I will explain why I consider him a mentor.  I respect him and his belief system.  At our table (4 Christians, 1 professor of New Testament, 1 college student, 1 pastor, and myself – seminary-student at the time) Mr. Hitchens evoked the Liar, Lunatic, Savior argument about Jesus (Quoting CS Lewis).  Then, he said it seemed clear that Jesus was a lunatic.  I have never heard the argument used except in defense of Christianity.  I told him that if I were an atheist I would want to be his kind.  He went on to say that the rest of Lewis’ arguments are shallow.  If you haven’t been around conservative evangelicals very much I don’t know if you can grasp this…  proverbial jaws fell off of hinges at that comment!   It was a fun evening.  His drink was also curious: white wine, soda, and a splash of scotch on top (Glenfiddich, white wine).  We also talked about evolution and creation, the number of people who were ‘walking dead’ in the end of Matthew’s Gospel.  It was an enjoyable evening.

Second, his depiction of cancer and chemotherapy in particular resonate with me.  “Fighting cancer” actually is the most boring process ever.  You watch poison seep into your body, you begin to feel worse, etc.  Also, I resonated with the way he handled “Did you ask, ‘why me?'”  I found the question irrelevant, although for different reasons than he did.