I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I’m not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.
Yesterday was a hard day. It didn’t help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.
Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me… I love Julia and my wife, but hadn’t seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.
I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish – not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.
I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same – substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis’ statement, “Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand.”
I’m doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.