I shouldn’t write about my friends Brian and Kim because my other friends might read my blog and feel left out.

I shouldn’t write about them because I love a lot of people.

In many ways, the choice to still write about them displays one of Kim’s great gifts – she loves intensely and exclusively (the right kind of exclusive).  I learned from her.  If you are talking with Kim her eyes don’t wander (unless there is a loud crash or something).  She loves intensely.  In the 90’s she threw a week long party for Brian called “I Love Brian Week”.  I thought that this was awesome, so I went out and bought him a 4 pack of Fitz’s Root Beer.  I think (Kim?) that I was the only person not named Kim Fulte to participate in “I Love Brian Week”.

Even earlier in the 90’s (1997 to be exact), I had a crush on Kim for about 10 days.  It did not last longer because she did not give me the time of day.  This was the first time I remember really noticing her intense way of loving and listening.  I don’t remember who she was talking to at the Bible Study but she didn’t waver.  Maybe I was weird; except that she continues to love this way.  🙂

96-97 was Kim’s and my freshman year at Mizzou, and it was Brian Sophomore year.  My sophomore year I remember clearly relying on Brian as a good spiritual friend.  That sounds trite and like I’m stretching but I’m not.  I remember saying regularly that there were four men I needed to see every few weeks because we talked well, I enjoyed their company, they loved Jesus in a deliberate but winsome way – and Brian was one of them.  I could even tell you who the other 3 were, but this blog isn’t about them.

A few years later, Brian and I would leave our Humanities Sequence lectures early for Shakespeare’s Pizza.  This seems like a no-brainer, but if you were in the Honors College at MU (I wasn’t, I would just talk my way into the Humanities Sequence courses with an advisor every year) you know that this was…  literally…  frowned upon.  The lectures were in the Geology Building (near Shakespeare’s), after the lectures there was applause, they brought in faculty from many disciplines, etc.  And, the professors who were not lecturing (15-20) sat in the back.  Leaving after 10 minutes of whispering about Shakespeare’s did not please them as far as I could tell.

I regret two things about that time with Brian.  1.  That we didn’t occasionally switch it up and go to Booche’s.  2.  That we didn’t drink beer.

I could literally go on and on.  Ski trips together – some fun, some less fun.  Brian was in Tulsa Oklahoma during one of the 3 worst family experiences I have ever had (so was Kim I think).  We were driving through on the way to Angel Fire to ski, and then to the Denver Christmas Conference.  More on this later.

Brian and Kim helped plant Riverside Church – where I have worked for over 9 years.

When I wasn’t sure we could make it to a small pizza party at their house my oldest (5) said, “We really need to go Daddy.  I need to tell Mr. Brian and Miss Kim that I am going to miss Grayson, and Tyler and their little girl.”

Brian loves deliberately like Kim, but if there was ever a guy who took the pressure off without enabling – it is Brian.  He is very sneaky that way.  You smile and laugh, and later realize wisdom and incisiveness.  I called it rhetorical jujitsu once regarding a point he made to me without gossiping.  I still need to learn from him. Less intense than Kim, but Brian is the easiest guy to lose 2 hours with that I know.  And, I know a lot of guys who are easy to lose 2 hours with.  They are the ones who are sad reading this because I didn’t blog about them.  Or, I did but it has been awhile.

Here is the problem: How do I summarize people I have respected, loved, been friends with, shared with, fought with, fought for, served under, called out, been called out by (I remember twice in 1999 even!), eaten with, invested (and lost) with…  for 16 years.  There is no summary. Blogs are for this, but still…

This is a pic of them sitting with my wife, at a wedding I performed.  That would have been fun to try to explain to any of the four of us in the 90’s.  Brian and Kim were were the single most encouraging people regarding how I handled the wedding.  (Again…  many were encouraging, but I remember what both of them said)

There was the time when I brought a _____ to their wedding.

There was the time that Brian invited me to the rehearsal dinner just because that is how Brian is.  One day before the dinner.  His old friend Adam and I sculpted a great toast too – it even alluded to a better toast.  That was how good it was.

Kim was the one who helped Rachel and I, gently, see some really crucial parenting stuff with Julia.  You can tell I am still growing.  Don’t know how to blog about this one!  She isn’t the only one who helped – but her deliberate, pursuing love (and clarity) punctured our hesitation and lack of knowledge.

Brian figured out that he still owes me like 800 beers from that investment years ago, but he doesn’t really.  Part of that estimate is based upon the fact that he has already bought me more than 100.  Seriously.  Not an exaggeration, and I can rarely drink more than 1-2 beers at a time.  And, he didn’t bring over 40 ever to skew this statistic.  Get it?  They are generous lovers of their friends…  and I have been friends with them for 16 years.  Wow.  Do you have friends who have bought you over 100 beers?  If you drink 10 beers at a time, then they need to have bought you like 700 or so to be as awesome as Brian.  This is in my backyard.  Ty buys me a lot of beer too – and he and I never lost money together.  Hmmm…..  Maybe he deserves a blog too.

Did I tell you about the time Brian helped me jackhammer my basement?

Did I tell you about the time I helped him install a ceiling in his U-CITY house?

No?  That’s because we came to expect that friends just help and serve each other when they can. I know that lesson better because I know Brian and Kim and Tyler and Grayson and Annabelle.

Did you know Brian can preach?  He preached a few (2 Brian?) gems at Riverside.  He and I co-taught a class a few months ago at the church.  He used to drive an hour to teach a Humanities Class to his sister when they lived around here and she was finishing high school. I have never and will never Adventure Race with him.  Done.

Did you know that Brian was one of those shirtless guys at Mizzou football games?  Did you know that before Brian no one did that at Mizzou games? Not Kidding.

I’m just telling stories about them because I love them and miss them.

Back when I mentioned the hard family time in Tulsa; Brian and Kim didn’t do anything, but they stayed around as friends, weren’t scared, didn’t let my current story ‘give me a pass’ in how I was living.  They weren’t my very best friends then and they aren’t now.  But, they were in the Top Ten then and they are in the Top Ten now.  They are the only ones I can say that about (I still love everybody…  I’m just making a point about longevity here!).

I could write stories until 3 AM.  If this were Kim’s Blog, or one of her encouraging emails, she might do just that 🙂  But, I’m going to stop.  Did I tell you about the time I invited Kim to a Semi-Formal because I knew she was dating Brian (this was 1998) so she was the best possible date I could imagine?  Fun, but I knew she wouldn’t think anything about it because we both knew she was with Brian.  She showed me the picture from it a few years ago.  I hope it is still around.  We looked very young.  Because we were.

I’m glad Christians never really say goodbye.  Even so, I wish I were better about it.

I have learned a lot.  In School, as a now-ordained pastor, as a non-ordained Youth ‘guy’, playbing basketball, buying lawnmowers.  I blogged about the 3 I have learned in the last 3.  I’m struggling to put my finger on it.

The quote (for this situation) is from Real Genius, “Uh, always…  no; never, forget to check your references.”

What have you learned this year?  I know we are supposed to make resolutions and such (and I have a good one that I will not be blogging about), but what have we learned from this year?

One thing I have learned is that we are often angry, and the largest part of the problem is our assumption that the object of our anger is  mature.  I’m not calling ‘them’ immature, I am just saying that conflicts escalate remarkably when there is an air of assumed similarities, maturities, etc.  When we see our limits, sins, and immaturities for what they are our potential for a good conversation and for growth go up a lot.

Consider yourself fixed.

I got to have a drink with Chris Hitchens years ago because a good friend invited me to a dinner after one of his debates.  There are good articles out there so I won’t write at length.

Often when I tell this story or allude to part of it I am asked what he had to drink.  I believe he had a Scotch and Soda (Glenfiddich 12) with a splash of white wine on top of it.

Highlights of the evening: hearing him affirm Lewis’ argument about Jesus (that he has to be a lunatic or a savior: Hitchens concluding lunacy).  Then, hearing him summarily denounce the rest of Lewis’ writing (to a table full of people who think Lewis is maybe second to the Apostle Paul).  It was awesome because he didn’t say it disrespectfully, even as our jaws collectively hit the table.

As the evening round itself out I told him that if I were to become an Atheist I would want to be his kind of atheist.

A few years later when it became public that he was diagnosed with cancer I read parts of his Vanity Fair article.  His cancer was far worse than mine, but his description of the “fight” and of chemotherapy “venomous sack” is by far the best thing I have read on the subject.

For my part, I will miss him.

Authenticity with an end in God’s Glory.

This is one of my own conclusions, but I think I’m on to something.  Psalmists, Jesus, David, Abraham, Moses – they argued with God in this way: how they honestly are and then imagining a scenario that glorifies Him the most.  The religious will leave out the authenticity and the irreligious the Glory.

We pray how we actually are, and then we actively, verbally imagine God’s Glory making the most with/in/near this situation…  Then we listen.

What do we do with the fact that we have no control and enormous power?

Christianity’s existential assent to this, labeling of it, and explanation of what to do in the midst of these two forces is the best I have ever seen.

We are exploring this question on Sunday Mornings in the class I am co-teaching “Surviving the Holidays: How does the Grace of Jesus help and inform us with our families.”

A friend asked what blogs I read when I tweeted about Flipboard for IPHONE (I am still elated about this).

I read a lot of blogs of people who attend, or used to attend Riverside.  🙂  i

In addition to those 20ish blogs I read a number of blogs that are essentially references for me – leadership, efficiency (is there irony to reading a blog about efficiency?), theology, etc.

I was going to explain more…  then I just took screen shots.  I’m sure Google can take care of the rest!  Wow, a lot of you don’t really write any more!

Also, if we are old friends and your blog is not on here it is a mistake.  I enjoy reading lots of blog (skimming really).  So, let me know if I am missing yours.

In Mark 3 Jesus family shows up wanting to talk with him, and nervous about what he is doing.

His mission: to proclaim his divinity, heal people as a supportive aspect of that, and to draw people to Him had to have been hard to understand.

But, on a basic human level it was hard for his family (in the beginning) because he was different.  Jesus grew up, he became more of Himself – like may of us.  When the voice came from Heaven, “This is my beloved Son, in Him I am well-pleased”, everything was different – for Jesus, for his family, for the world.  Often our families either don’t deal with or don’t know how to deal with our grown up selves.  Sometimes this is because we are more grown up and sometimes less.  Family is difficult because they have been with us for so long – therefore when we change (or, fail to change) it is disruptive.  It is often the most disruptive when there was a strong desire for change…  And, then it happens.

As I have written before, I am teaching a class this month on surviving the Holidays.  I am acutely aware that my own family may read these!  My family is loving and generous – but we have issues too.  Want to see the genogram?  8)

I began the class on Sunday with the catechism question, “What is the Chief End of Man?”  Answer: The Chief End of Man is to Glorify God and Enjoy Him forever.  We begin here because it is a good beginning for framing any difficult topic.  Why even bother with family?  Why not work up some good boundaries and then just travel over the Holidays?  My younger brother went to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving and I was jealous.  Have you seen 4 Christmases?

Anyway, Friday morning I woke up wondering the point of anything and everything.  I wasn’t depressed, but it certainly delayed my getting out of bed for a good 20 minutes.  I had a moment, ‘why get up’, and what that potential answer has to do with two children, my inlaws (we were with them), my wife, and my own heart.  I thought of the catechism.  It mattered.  Why get up?  The chief end of man is to glorify god and enjoy Him forever.  It helped.

This has happened before, but never so simply and poignantly as Friday morning.  The interaction of my brain and heart with this answer helped me walk downstairs with a slight measure of joy and purpose.  It has also not happened before 🙂  I have known this answer for 10-15 years, and I am certain it has crossed my mind and I have not gotten out of bed. As I re-read that sentence about joy and purpose it sounds trite….  But, that is what happened.  I wasn’t smiling (joy is different than happiness), or skipping – but, I am thankful that I had an answer.

Throughout the week I will share other things we worked through in the class: Jesus’ family being confused by Him and His Mission (Mark 3), Jesus commands about Family (Matthew 10), the 5th Commandment, etc.  But, we began there because it is a substantive and Gospel-Driven answer to a big question.  And, it helped me get out of bed.

This week I am beginning to teach a class at Riverside on family and Surviving the Holidays in light of the Gospel of Jesus.  I posted a question about this last week, and I want to be clear to my own family: You are all messy and you are all loving, wonderful and generous to us and we love you.

Over the past few years I have been learning how different all of my own family is, but also that they are all remarkably generous.  So, thank you for your differences (and in this I am thinking also of my family-by-marriage), and thank you for your almost limitless generosity.

I hope this class helps those of us with good families as well as those of us with more dysfunction (with me you can take your pick!).  We can always learn to love better.

I am co-teaching a class on Surviving the Holidays starting next week on Sunday Mornings.

Help me by telling me what the class needs to be like.  What is on your mind when you see the title?  What are you afraid will be left out?  What do you typically know, but need help implementing about difficult family?  Or easy family?

I know my own stuff, I know how the Gospel speaks to family in many ways.  But, I would love to hear more from you.  Maybe this is an email, and not a blog comment.  But, if you feel so led – I would love to hear from you.  If you would prefer an email that is cool too.  matt@riversidestl.org