…

…

…

…

…

I preached this morning at church (www.riversidestl.org if you’re interested there is an MP3). My mom, sister, step-dad, and nephew were here for it. My wife was gone over the weekend till my sermon… I have a Greek Mid-Term tomorrow.

The beginning of this blog sounds like the line from “Risky Business”. “I have a Trig Mid-Term Tomorrow… I should be at home studying. Instead I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp… I think I’m gonna throw up… I think I’m gonna throw up on you Joel.” The last part was just so everyone knows my brain is pretty funny when it comes to movie lines.

Caroline is discovering a lot about the world. The picture I failed to capture was about 1 minute before this one when the water hit her in the face. To say she was either happy or sad is adding emotion – she was surprised. She was more curious, but more thoughtful also. Hence, ‘I want to touch it, but I don’t know about how close it ought to be.’

Sometimes she mixes words together like “Happy-Tired” which is how I feel right now. It was a good weekend. I’m not super-worried about making a high A on my test tomorrow (see previous blog post), but I feel weary. I have energy, but feel drained in general…

Today I feel tired towards the aspect of life that gives you things you sense you must do well (in this case Greek III), and things you are passionate about but have trouble finding the time for (in this case the Sabbath Study I am doing). But, I will keep pushing – to pass Greek 3, continue reading and writing about rest, and to be present in all relationships. That last bit is because I like hanging out with my daughter andthe rewards go up when I just watch her, follow her around, read to her when she wants to be read to – a lot. Lately a book about “Busy Timmy”.

I still see and sense many friends and family members drowning around me. I feel mature in knowing how little I can, and how much the little I do often means.

I wish to be inspired, but offer myself the grace of sleep and the rewards that come with perseverance towards the things like Greek (obligations) and things like an independent study/book project on the Sabbath (joy). And the grace of sleep…

…

…

…

…

I think grades are hilarious. Every time I receive a quiz, test, or paper back my heart rate goes up just a little and I get some chills. Not because I like grades (or definitely not because I make straight a’s – haven’t since 4th grade), it is because my life, efforts, and thoughts have become quantifiable in a precise manner (relative to the professor).

I know a lot of people are sort of addicted to school and learning, and I know a lot of people associate school with Hell. I think one of the reasons is that we do work (which is not, in and of itself, unique) and then someone grades it.

At work we are (hopefully!) reviewed. We may be reprimanded, given a pat on the back, given a raise, given a demotion, given some kind of ultimatum, etc. Generally though ,it is somewhat abstract and we can come up with reasons (we do this in school too) why things worked out the way they did.

One of the things that separates school is the forgettableness of it. My COmputer is currently telling me that that is not a word… FYI. We get our grade, it makes us happier, sadder, more frustrated, and then we move on (unless we have to take the class again). I just think it is interesting.

I recently turned 30 and am in school again for the first time since December of 2000 (when I graduated from college). It is harder and easier, I’m better and worse at it, I care less and more (all of these comparisons could be explored in a different – less abstract blog), and it seems funny to me how I react to a quiz when I get it back.

… …

… …

… …

It seem I have a lot of friends who are drowning. One called tonight… I still haven’t checked my messages.

Caroline (my daughter) and I were having a rough time with her sleep routine. The problem, as I see it, was that she loves for me to read her books (she loves for everyone to read her books, but as her dad I get to do it a lot). So, I asked Rachel what she does and she says when Caroline fights drinking her Organic Whole Milk – Rachel sings to her for a few minutes (usually “I love you Lord”) and Caroline will then drink her milk.

I tried it. After Knuffle Bunny (A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems) and The Going to Bed Book (Sandra Boynton) I offered the milk. It was refused. I held Caroline close to me and sang her MLK by U2. It was pretty interesting. She fights a little, but she hugged a little too, and she rubbed her eyes (THE sign of tiredness). Then she drank her milk and went to sleep.

I have probably done this 5-6 times since Rachel coached me back to a solid bed-time delivery, and every time I want to blog about it. I want to talk about Safety, parents and their accompanying issues, my baby girl and how I am the king of cheesiness in what I sing to her… But, sometimes I get on line and read other people’s blogs about George Bush, the sunrise or if they want to buy a fiat… Some of them seem like very important things that we ought all to be talking about. Some seem interesting, but hard to relate to.

I think I am still chewing on hearing Donald Miller speak about six months ago. I wrote down a bunch of my fears and goals for this year. The summer is big for both of them… I am also still chewing on Tony Campolo saying that in a series of interviews with people who lived to be over 100 they almost invariably said they wish they risked a bit more and reflected a bit more… And something else. I blogged about it a couple of years ago… I like reflecting on my daughter, she is squishy and innocent and fun. Today she said “Go dog Go” from a book. I will pray for my friends, the ones who seem to be drowning and the ones who don’t, I will pray for my daughter because she will not always be like this, and I will pray for my heart that I will not fear.

…

…

…

So, an older gentleman turned pretty quickly over a single white line and hit my front wheel of my motorcycle about two and a half weeks ago. Yes, I’m fine. Bike? Not so fine… State Farm called yesterday and said they would pay me 3400 for the bike (more than I paid, don’t tell), or 2400 and I get to keep it – then i would have a salvaged title.

I was already planning on getting rid of it, but taking off the license plates and knowing I will never ride (at least this one) again was hard. I think a lot of it is the little kid in me (little boy might be more appropriate) who is sad that he is losing a toy. I think there is some entitlement (as though my bank account won’t love the money – which will go straight to school loans!) in there… And, I will miss it. IN the final few weeks I had taken to riding with my visor open to feel the wind. I had found several back roads where I felt alone. I was unable to talk on the cell phone or listen to sports or NPR – very relaxing.

There are many reasons I felt very good (till yesterday) about getting rid of it. But the cathartic nature of this particular blog is not to debate but to mourn. Good bye to my bike… basic, fun, dangerous, often-not-seen by elder men, a pain to maintain and even to ride (takes longer to get places because wifey doesn’t like me on the high way), but a motorcycle nonetheless. If I ever see John Eldredge again I will ask if he is disappointed in me…

…

…

…

My wife and daughter are with the in laws because I had a retreat with 4,5,6th graders this past weekend, and now they are getting some things done while I study for Finals. It is relaxing, but never as much as I think. Partly because I miss them, but also because I still buy into what Brueggemann calls, “techno-therapeutic, militaristic consumerism” which is his description of our society…

But, I’m working on it.

2nd Blog – Looks like the same one because I don’t have another picture that I’m dying to put up…

I have so many friends who are hurting. Two family members who are in great physical pain… So many friends who seem to be near-drowning emotionally.

A couple of years ago I would have been more interested in fixing them, now it just makes me sad. I’m just amazed by the lack of wholeness in the world and the apparent seamlessness within the Christian Community. It does not seem to me that “we” are more or less whole… It seems that we cannot grasp, or drink in, or embrace, or understand or realize the words of healing and truth of Christ…

Is wholeness possible?

I’m not even writing this bummed out, I just wish I knew how to go into my tent (mine isn’t pink) and sit there and rest… I do desire and need and will continue praying for healing for my many friends who are drowning physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually…

One of my older brothers said that my blog is inspiring. He was talking about posting on his own site: greenegenes.net But, then someone else said that the picture of Caroline and I at the Ocean looks like one of those posters with a ‘hard-to-follow’ quote at the bottom.

I have to say. There is nothing like having a child to remind us that there are wonderful things in the world. Furthermore, she is amazing to watch. She can climb stairs, has started talking (not to us, in English, but talking nonetheless), and you can actually see her thinking (about things like: should I army-crawl or regular crawl, eat all the cheerios or one by one…).

What I’m saying is, life is pretty amazing (and also pretty dark – but I’m not writing about that). I think I wish I were still learning and growing at the rate she is. My friends and family would certainly appreciate it I think.

What is amazing to you? Even if today was difficult… What is beautiful?

I love that my baby becomes more and more alert to us and her surroundings. She puts her hands up when she is done eating; we say, “All Done?” and she does it again… and woe to him or her who might ask Caroline if she wants to eat after putting her hands up.

She waves at everyone these days… She cries when I leave (I’m sure this will get old at some point)… She sort of imitates our noises. it is just awesome…

We have family everywhere, and I don’t think they check the blog, but they should have these pictures…

Despite the fact that I used to live in the mountains I think I am more of a beach fellow. I don’t die a little inside if I haven’t been to the beach that year, but I do like the ocean a lot.

I think this is one of thoe questions like, “If you could fly or be invisible which would you choose?”

Our vacation was very nice. I read my first Phillip Roth book, played in he sand with my baby (ocean was too cold her her), we rode bikes, it was very relaxing to not e-mail, use my cell phone, keep up with the tournament, or even study. If Rachel and I could have kept our allergies at bay it would have been bliss instead of ‘very nice’…

Caroline liked it very much, and didn’t get sick…

So, here is my daughter after her first cupcake…

I remember the day I wrote my last blog very clearly, even though we are one day shy of a month removed.

Life is tricky and weird and goofy, and some days I want no part of it. By ‘it’, I simply mean the difficulty of being near so many people and them being near me. I suppose many have the opposite problem with life: not enough people, connection, or whatever in their life… Ahhhhh the human condition in all it’s dualistic splendor!

Sunday (the 18th) is Caroline’s Brithday, but we celebrated today (Saturday) because of our vacation schedule – and because Sundays are terrible for the naps.

As you can see, she enjoyed demolishing her cupcake (You should’ve seen the cupcakes… mom out-did herself). The latest numbers have it that 40-68% of said cupcake was in fact consumed by Caroline. The rest was scattered to the wind, the bath she entered directly following the cupcake, her carefully-smocked dress, and to Ron (our dog).

If you have a Spring Break enjoy it, if you don’t make sure you do nothing for some ofthe weekend – that pesky 4th commandment and all…