A Post by Rachel
We met with a surgeon yesterday & a medical oncologist today… exhausting, but informative. And encouraging, in a round about sort of way. It was just good to have someone reassure us that the weeks in between the CT scan & the proposed treatment options are not long enough for the cancer cells to run rampant through his body. once you hear the words “aggressive cancer cells,” you have visions of nasty little disease cells inching upward through the lymphatic system & invading matt’s organs. Both doctors said that they would be surprised if the 2 enlarged lymph nodes grew significantly in the next few weeks… not ruling out the possibility of a little growth, but it isn’t a major concern.
That said, we are thinking (somewhat sure) that we will proceed with a Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection (removal of the enlarged lymph nodes) on May 4 at Barnes Jewish Hospital. This will be a laparoscopic procedure in order to minimize the invasiveness of the surgery- an open dissection is a very large incision, much greater recovery time, etc. There are risks with each- we’re looking into those, but this seems preferable at this time.
The literature we have read & the 3 doctors we have spoken with seem to concur on most all of the questions we have, which is VERY reassuring- who wants to make a judgment call about treatments that doctors don’t agree on? The best option seems to be to follow surgery with 2 rounds of chemotherapy (which type of drugs will be involved is still under discussion) in order to reduce the chance of recurrence of the cancer cells to almost 0%. We like that math: Surgery + 2 chemo treatments= 99% chance of COMPLETE cure: good numbers! On the other side- chemo will likely make him somewhat sick if not very sick, so if we chose not to do it after the surgery, there is an option to treat by “surveillance.” This means lots of blood work, CT scans, & appointments. Surveillance opens the door to a 20% chance of recurrence, which would then lead to 6 rounds of chemo. Not good numbers- like i said, chemo will not be a picnic & we’d like to limit it to 2 treatments & be done with this crap!
We are still going to see a different medical oncologist next week (monday) for another opinion & to consolidate all of matt’s treating physicians to Barnes Jewish. 1) It simplifies the transfer of paperwork between hospitals, 2) it increases the chances of the doctors communicating thoroughly & working well together, and 3) it puts matt’s treatment in one of the best hospitals in America (also closest to our home).
there are still outstanding questions- I think we come up with new questions all the time. And there is still fear of the disease as well as the treatment. And there are lots of questions about the future- the impact the surgery & chemo will have on matt’s last semester of seminary, how this will affect his long term health, how this could impact the number of children in our family… and we are still processing how we communicate with each other and how we bring this before the Lord. I think we are much better than we were last week at this time- more answers, less shock, more reassurance, less paralyzing fear. We really feel surrounded by our family, friends & community. And we have the cutest, most amazing children ever, which doesn’t hurt. And we celebrated the living Christ on Sunday- a deep & powerful Love for us that is over every dark & nasty thing we are dealing with. Christ isn’t changing the facts of the cancer in matt’s body- Christ is changing our hearts to hope & trust in His Good-ness through all of this. It doesn’t hurt less, but we know God is acting behind & in & through everything. (Please remind me that i said this- i am sure to forget on a regular basis).
Thank you for all your calls, notes, e-mails, flowers & cookies. Thank you most of all for your prayers- it is really amazing to be on the receiving end of such incredible care. i hope that we love all of you as well as you have loved us.
-Rachel
Insulating
I want to first say thank you for the emails, phone calls, blog comments, texts, etc. We feel loved during this time.
We are meeting with two doctors this week, one tomorrow and one on Tuesday (maybe a third, depending on them).
The weekend was good I think. I didn’t have class on Friday (which means I also forgot Caroline had school… so, she didn’t go), and while Caroline was not interested in the Good Friday Service at church (Julia had already made it clear she was going to bed) she and Rachel still went to Serendipity for Ice Cream. While they were gone I read and smoked a CAO Brazilian (Maduro wrapper) cigar. The significance is that earlier in the week I didn’t want anything: to drink, to watch, to do, to buy, to smoke, etc. I have heard people say that when you are struggling lesser affections fade. I thin kthat that is true, depending on your definition of struggle.
My mom said that we were all waiting to hear that everything was fine after the CAT scan. Then, when it wasn’t we have all had to re-orient ourselves. I think Rachel and I have been re-orienting (successfully) over the past few days. You are welcome to ask questions on the blog also. I have learnedthat I don’t explain the medical aspect that well (maybe becuase I don’t get it that well, hence the new rule: Rachel goes to all Doctor’s appt’s from now on), so I have left out much technical jargon. I will still try to answer any questions people have. I don’t know if the information will make you feel better, but you are welcome to it.
A New Sort of Blog for awhile
So, for awhile I am going to use my blog to update people on my sickness. If you didn’t know I was sick I am sorry you’re finding out this way. On March 27th I had surgery for testicular cancer, and on Tuesday we found out it spread to two lymph nodes. So, we are seeing a surgeon on Monday and an oncologist on Tuesday – second opinions forthcoming. If you want to read I found a good article by the FDA, and Lance Armstrong’s site is pretty helpful.
Some of you have asked how Rachel and I are processing this. Thank you for asking, I think that is a good question. I don’t know. I spent a lot of time in prayer today, asking the LORD a similar question. The answer I received is that I already know how to be faithful as a husband, father, son, friend (obviously not always and with varying degrees of “success”). Tomorrow I may hate that I wrote that, today the LORD told me that I know how to be a husband and be sick, that I know how to be a father, that I know how to be a friend.
Caroline knows when I go to the doctor and that I had an “ouchy” (I say past tense because I swing her around again). We aren’t really scared of death because the survival rate is so unbelievably high in these cases (Lance Armstrong’s site is pretty helpful if you want to learn more than I am telling you). Also, Rachel and I made a deal that neither of us is ever allowed to die 🙂
Many of you want to help. I promise we will let you know when we need help (and we probably will). Many of you don’t know what to say, and I want you to know that we appreciate it when you say just that. It conveys the emotion. Many of you want to talk. If we do not answer the phone or call you back, please forgive us and assume that we are receiving many more calls/texts/visits/facebook messages than we are used to.
Rachel and I are thankful for many things. For Jesus and the accompanying world-view that gives us a context for life and for suffering (or sickness). We are thankful for a large and loving family. We are thankful for a very understanding and loving House Group that has already been through a lot this year. And, we are thankful to our church and other friends who love us so well.
Videos
So, yesterday evening I watched a 10 minute video of Jazz Pianist Eric Lewis performing for this year’s TED. Smarter people than me can tell you about TED, but if you don’t know about it it is a good time to Google it so when people talk about it you don’t think they’re kidding about the title of the conference.
The interesting thing is that listening to Eric Lewis is compelling, and I sound refined or at least I am interested in being refined or something.
But, the video I watched last before Eric (maybe 5 days ago… I don’t watch videos as much as _______ ) who always sends me links, was Achmed the Dead Terrorist. My wife thinks Achmed is hilarious and lately she has been calling my doctor Achmed because she is annoyed with him.
The point is, or the question is. What does it say about me that those are the last two things I watched? What does it say about the culture? It just seems amazing, and slightly intriguing that I can watch those to videos as easily as I did and they are the only ones I watched. I almost watched a sermon… Then I didn’t.
And, in between paragraph one and three of this blog post Rachel and I SKYPED our great friends the Sweeneys in Singapore. The world is a funny, inter-connected place and while some days I use that to learn about dissonant, cutting edge-jazz piano… others I just watch Achmed.
Shabbos Email
One of these days I will take the Sabbath seriously enough to remember how I work.
Our family has been getting better at playing on Saturdays, and today I had un-get-out-of-able meetings this afternoon and we had people over later… So, the morning was all for playing and being. Rachel made a LOT of coffee (helps everything) and some blueberry muffins, and when Julia went to sleep for morning nap I took Caroline to Rocketship Park (which is kind of dad and Caroline’s Park). But, before I left I checked my email.
Now I’m mad. Because… Well, that’s why – I’m not telling you, the anecdote is not about anger, it is about knowing that I didn’t need to check my email. Yea, checking my email drew me into my work life where someone had disappointed me. This blank space is in honor of that email and my thoughts _________________________________________________.
Caroline wanted to swing for awhile (I thought about the email). Then she wanted to climb for awhile (I kept thinking about it). She didn’t want to slide because last time we were there there was a big puddle. Then we went to the sand… Ahh, the sand. I sat on a bench. I know not to, she wants my presence, so I ran in the sand with her. Then we sat in the sand. In the sand I let it go, there was grace in the sand. We hung out. She made some sand angels (snow angels might be too many senses and a bit of fear, btu we are ready for sand angels). We talked about Wall E (I am Burn-E from the short movie, Julia is MO, Rachel is Eva… you might be able to figure out who Caroline is). We watched a train or two. It was neat to watch Caroline learn with her eyes, and no talking, that she could see the train in two places through the trees. Good ole’ Rocketship Park.
I felt myself relax, let it go, etc. Things that are a normal part of living and working and knowing people. But, how much easier would it have been to be present (I’m so good with grammar and words) if I had simply not checked my email? I don’t play video games too much anymore because I realize they don’t actually relax me. I drink more tea. I try to reflect. This last one seems easier when you’re sitting in the sand. Thank you Lord for the grace of the sand. I will try to not check my email next Saturday. Thank you Caroline for continuing to want to play.
Lent
Almost every year I decide I should really use Lent to ponder… or to become more spiritual or something. Seriously, it seems like such a basically good idea. And, every year I forget. I’m in Seminary and we don’t seem to talk about it much. I haven’t gotten over to Wikipedia yet to see if there is a cool story about giving stuff up. I DO have some trout in my freezer that we could fry on Friday I guess…
This is a fun article if you want to start observing late: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7923701.stm
Thoughts on Lent?
Did you give up anything?
Have you ever had a great experience with Lent?
Anybody ever go through the book Mars Hill (Bell’s Mars Hill, don’t think Driscoll is going to support Lent too much) put out a few years ago? I think I saved it, never printed it, and definitely don’t remember anything about it.
I find it funny the amount of tests and papers and discussion forums I have to do for Seminary… And, this might be my first conversation on Lent. If there are a billion Roman Catholics then I am just out of touch right? 🙂
Oscars
There are things about the Oscars that are funny. I could hear my mom in my head saying, “Oh Goldie…” at one point.
Alas, I am catching up today. However, I heard Dustin Lance Black’s comments at his award for best Screenplay. It was almost unnerving how good they were. Carefully nuanced, incisive, terribly saddening, and unqualified enough to convict evangelicals (I hope).
“I think he’d (Harvey Milk) want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been they are less then by their churches, or by the government, or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value. And that no matter what everyone tells you, God does love you, and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally across this great nation of ours.”
The political part gets me less than the first part… I am embarrassed that he says it so well when Christians seem like they cannot. People do not deserve to be marginalized and abused… period. I think Jesus would have stood and applauded, or maybe he would have been out pleading with the picketers to stop.
90 Blogs later
And I am still not positive what the purpose of a blog is.
I know this one is a random thought blog (because I twitched when the job ge by the guy at school said, “if you have a random thoughts blog… shut it down while you’re looking for a job).
I know i like to put up pictures of my daughters.
I know I sometimes like to try to be provocative, by saying things like “I voted for Obama” or “I think Abortion is a gigantic distraction to evangelicalism”. Both of those things are true by the way.
I don’t label much. (down at the bottom)
Here is a question… I get to preach in April. I am thinking of a couple of possibilities and would love your thoughts. 1. “Margin” – How do you feel knowing the Bible takes your questions and often answers other ones oftentimes? This would be about the Bible and our questions essentially. 2. “Why be good?” My short answer would be mission. In my 31 years of experience I don’t think many Christians get why to be good, and many who are watching churches (insert your word, “non-religious, religious, irreligious, atheist, seeker, agnostic, etc.) tend to perceive that Christianity is big on rules and be annoyed by it. 3. What about giving people two Sundays where they could write their questions on index cards and then I could take like the top four (having no idea how I would determine that… especially without being deterministic)?
Thoughts?
The great thing is that I stopped reading for school about 15 minutes ago because I was tired… I was reading a 60 year old article about Natural Law by a professor who is trying REALLY hard to be relevant. I couldn’t focus… till i started blogging about… NOTHING. Hilarious. I really would appreciate your thoughts though!
Stuff Christians Like
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Hannah Wood turned me on to this blog. It is unbelievably accurate towards the strange subculture of evangelicalism. AND, I just learned that Jon went to college with my wife. Hilarious.
Here is a brief sampling, a bullet-point of a fictional interview with that guy that interviews movie stars… It is about people criticizing the Sermon at lunch.
1. I’m just not being fed.
What a fantastic way to look as if you’re more spiritual than the pastor himself.
2. That message was not meant for me.
You are so generous to have sat there patiently while someone else that needed that sermon was able to receive it. What kindness.
3. That didn’t feel like church.
What a perfect smokescreen of vagueness. How can anyone argue with your feeling? What does that even mean? More organ? Less organ? Better lasers? No lasers?
4. There wasn’t enough Bible in that for me. That felt like a business leadership book.
What’s enough? No one knows, which is why this is such a gem.
5. I’m not sure that sermon works in a postmodern world.
I’m not even sure I know what the word “postmodern” means, but it’s fun to say. Few things make you look smarter than repeating this word. Repeatedly.
Matt Blazer's Blog 