I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I’m not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn’t help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me… I love Julia and my wife, but hadn’t seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.

I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish – not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.

I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same – substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis’ statement, “Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand.”

I’m doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.

Blogs are funny so I will give medium depth to this one.

I have buried 3 men in the past year who I respect as much as any men I know. Two grandfathers and my mother’s husband. My paternal Grandfather was last december, and the other two were in the last three weeks.

Geeps/Jim Blazer Sr. was a good man. He was married over 60 years, his funeral was huge, and I loved him. He loved well – his wife, his four children, his many many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I could go on and sound like an obituary, btu I know that he loved well. I know that when my parents were together he called my mom, “Pretty lady”. I know that he didn’t see her for almost 20 years, and when he saw her at my graduation he said, “Hey there pretty lady.”

Richard Jorgensen loved my mother well. He was the most “man’s man” I ever knew. He was drafted to play minor league ball, he had a hit record in the 50’s, he was the president of a bank, and he married up to marry my mom. I performed the funeral, and it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done or participated in.

Donald Francis Toomey was a true Renaissance man. He was a successful professional photographer (took photos at the Nuremberg trials among other things), he was working on his second book about sacraments and missions in New Mexico (first book was on California missions and Father Junipero Serra), he made many local artists famous by writing about them in local magazines, he sold his collection of DH Lawrence books to the University of New Mexico for 25K (it was a big collection), he is the inspiration to many in our family for higher education, he stepped into a lot of gaps left by men in this family, and I didn’t even mention his PHd in Geology…

It has been a rough few weeks.

Tonight I hit a 3 pointer to put us up one 49-48 against a good team (semi-finals of our league). About two minutes later I hit another to tie it at 52… I almost cried running back down the court, I really did… It was just such a simple gift, but it felt so basically good to my heart. We lost, but I was 2-2… I would rather we had won, but I appreciated the gift. My mom (who is having a much worse week than me… and yet, people keep asking how she is doing) says to not feel guilty when little things feel good. So, I’m admitting it felt good. It has been a long hard couple of weeks. My three girls have been rocks of joy and fun. My mom is going to be okay, because she is awesome. And… they weren’t just gifts, I have shot several thousand 3 pointers… and Jody threw me two good passes.

So, we have tried to make this a fun summer for Caroline what with the new baby and all. So, today we went to Grant’s Farm. I checked the website, set up the bike (because then it is free), and off we went.

As we roll in there are no cars. I recall that they don’t open until mid-morning so I have a fleeting Clark Griswald, “We’re the first ones here…” But, then I realize that the man I am looking at driving a golf cart was not John Candy and my heart sank. I asked if they were closed and he explained that I had mis-read the website twice – no Mondays and they are now on fall Schedule…

But, through conversation it was made clear that I could kind of go about the Clydesdales. It wasn’t exactly open, but it wasn’t exactly closed and we saw no people after the John Candy-character. It was wonderful, Caroline enjoyed being with the Clydesdales, and afterwards we went to the park. Perhaps just her and I and the Clydesdales were better than her and I and a thousand people with the other animals, the train, and the two free beers.

I could go on – I am amazed that she will sit in a swing for 40 minutes (and I have the sore forearms to prove it…). I love when she closes her eyes for five minutes at a time on the swing. I don’t love the whining that accompanies her being two… but, maybe that makes the 40 minutes of silence on the swing magical.

It has been a hard week. All of my girls have been amazing. I should take her to the zoo or something tomorrow…

So, I think camera phones are silly… But I still use mine and occaisonally find a pic like this one…

So, I was reading yesterday and the author mentioned, with a qualification that his book is not about parenting, that the goal is to convince our children that we love them more than they could possibly imagine… And, that they are not the center of the universe.

That struck me pretty profoundly because I was at home in order to take care of my two year old. Three days ago, she didn’t get out of bed for two hours – just laid there. She is talking less, and strangely – lots of n’s “Daenny” is my name sometimes. This was the part I knew I wasn’t as ready for as the other parts – the change for Caroline. My solution – talk to her about it, and make her play. I let her watch cartoons and have pizza and a popsicle (did I mention that she wasn’t eating or drinking much either?), then we went to the pool. She loves the pool, and started to perk up within sight of it – but then she slid back down. Wanted me to carry her everywhere, and wouldn’t engage in the things she loves to play with.

I talked to some parents I saw there – they had twins and then triplets!!! They said their twins still haven’t gotten over the triplets being born, but that that is their lot in life and they stopped trying to overextend after a few months of trying that. It didn’t fly well with me, but it was great advice. So, Caroline and I went to the slide. She did not want to go, but she wasn’t protesting. I took her down ten times, she never walked, and for awhile didn’t say she wanted to do it again. And, I kept telling her we were going to do it again (each time she would smile during the actual sliding); until she said “do it two more times???” Then she was back to normal and played with her noodle, ran, and then we went out to eat and she ate a plate of spaghetti (the shirt is now being stain-treated by Grandma).

We continue to talk with her, she is clearly worried about Mommy’s ouchey, and life will never be the same again. But I have my beloved dialectical-parenting philosophy. Basic, but with no arrival – just the way I like it.

Oh yeah… and Rachel and I are going home in about an hour. I suppose it will be worse when they are both teenagers!

Caroline did okay with Julia. Round two begins in about 20 minutes… She is a verbal processor so we will talk to her a lot (shocking that I would have a verbal kid…), she knows that Mommy has an ouchy. She knows that she was born here, and that helps her connect with Julia being born here… We have been buying her balloons when she visits.

She can say who Julia is, that Julia is her sister, etc.

We’re very interested in her reaction when she realizes Julia will not leave – ever.

This morning Caroline slept in for two extra hours (never happened)…

Mommy gets to shower today… first one since Sunday.

Monday, 10:51 PM, 8 lbs, 11 ounces