So, I am home (Matt writing) and I am getting better every few hours, but am still amazed that the most uncomfortable part is probably the gas in my shoulders. As Rachel said the surgery came and went, and we got bad news again. Everyone was sad yesterday except Julia – nothing really makes her sad except being hit in the head with sticks by her sister. Rachel and I have talked about it several times already because chances were pretty high that this is what would happen (that we would do surgery and still have to have Chemo), but when you’re given an inch of hope you hold it I guess.

Now, as I re-read the last paragraph I don’t want to surprise anyone. The news is simply that the tumors had grown, and so the doctor cleaned out the left side lymph nodes which are close to my kidney. There is still a chance he got all of the cancer, but there are basic guidelines of how to treat cancer, and I had enough that it is unlikely that we won’t have to do chemo in a few weeks. I know that I don’t communicate as well as Rachel. Bottom Line: cancer was still bigger when they took it out (relative to CT scan), so I will probably have a few rounds of Chemo this summer.

I manipulated my way home before noon (they made a list of things that had to happen, and I made them happen), the girls are doing well. Caroline just came in from playing in the yard and is refusing to watch the new movies grandma brought her – she wants Cars. Julia is happy, she has added “mama” and “Yum yum” to her spoken vocabulary. I’m trying to study, and relax my lower back.

Tonight, thanks to Casey’s IPOD, we will watch the second season of Mad Men (some of it anyway). Thank you again for the food, thoughts, prayers, anger on our behalf, and tears. We will keep you posted when we meet with our oncologist, it will be a few weeks before the pathology report comes back and they won’t want to start the Chemo until it has been at least 3-4 weeks since surgery.

This is one of the cigars Robert dropped off. I doubt he reads the blog. Someone tell him it was a great cigar, even with the Izze (yes, Robert with the Dread-locks). Walker also sent cigars, and Holly wrote a note since she isn’t old enough to buy cigars. If i wrote all of the names of those who have called and written, emailed and facebooked… Well, I couldn’t, but it would be a long list. Thank you.

Tomorrow’s surgery is at about 7:30, and I just finished my 3 final projects for school. None are amazing, but they are all at least B level. Maybe C, but my grades are fine. We will be leaving our house around 5, so in addition to me you can pray for our girls and for grandma Ginny who will be unapologetically showing videos and spooning out yogurt all morning at least.

And, let’s hear it for Merecats – which Caroline and Grandpa Robbie love.

Thanks again everyone.

A good friend was in town today, and we had been goofing off, had lunch with all of my girls, his fiance’, etc.

Last night we went and saw Wolverine. I must be growing up since I didn’t go at Midnight the night before.

Anyway, at lunch I could sense his anxiety about my cancer and I asked if we needed to talk about it. So we did. At one point he said, “So… Is everything just different now?” And, I think it is. My worldview tells me that while purpose in a pure sense may not ever be revealed, God will use this in us to grow us. I don’t think the Bible says I will be a perfect anything, or even necessarily a better anything. But, I do think the bible gives me ever reason to hope that nothing is purposeless, and that I can be fully confident that my cancer will change us for the better. I know that is abstract at best, but I appreciate that it is not trite. I keep writing more and then deleting it about the purpose of this. how about I just get to you about that one!

I alternate between saying “we” and “me” because it seems like it is happening to me, but other than being anesthetized on Monday – all of this is happening to Rachel as certainly as it is happening to me. Many of you have asked if we have told Caroline. I do not think we have “told” her, but she knows that I am sick. She knows that I go see doctors a lot lately. The other day she asked Rachel and I both how our visit to the doctors went. We thought about her context, and then told her it was good, I didn’t get any shots, and they did not give me a sucker.

It was hard to write that. I have the most beautiful, amazing daughters ever – I hope if you have not met them you get to.

We are hopeful – in the Lord first and foremost. Simply in Him, and His provision – whatever that may mean. We are also thoughtful and believe we are making the right decision for surgery, and chemo if necessary after a few months of surveillance. We are excited that this surgery gives us the best hope for full recovery without chemotherapy.

It takes a good bit of energy for Rachel to write, so I’m trying to remember to keep people updated. Please ask more questions and feel free to comment.

Today was a good rest day. We played a lot this morning. I made Banana Muffins and let Rachel sleep in (the least I could after she stayed up until 11:30 watching Wolverine at the Moolah). We had lunch with great and old friends, and now I am finishing my schoolwork so that I can study for finals after the surgery. Tomorrow we are excited about corporate worship with our church family. They are like the rest of our family – loving, imperfect, but would lay down in traffic for us if we asked (loose Good Will Hunting Quote).

Surgery is Monday morning for those of you thinking and praying for us; 7:30 at Barnes Jewish. it is laparscopic – so not very invasive, but it is still our second surgery in about 6 weeks. It should take about 4 hours because they do some biopsying while I am on the table. The surgery is to remove two inflamed Lymph Nodes (assumedly cancerous) in my abdomen. I will stay the night, and should be up on Tuesday andable to drive by next Monday (for Finals – which I will happily make C’s on!). The Seminary was great about offering me extensions – even encouraging it. But, I would prefer to finish, knowing I have almost no chance of failing any class. We are excited to move to the next stage, to be finished with this stage, and to fill you in on the details. Thank you again for your affection, prayers, phone calls and emails. We don’t get texts anymore – but thanks for them too!

I wish we had more to say, and apologize to those of you who read so faithfully.

Rachel asked me today if we actually knew where the surgery was on Monday… I realized we don’t. Its not because we don’t care, its just that you become very out of energy through all of this discussion, blood tests, etc.

All that to say – for those of you who pray, we go in very early on Monday. For those of you who desire more information on the Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection – ask Rachel to blog and she will answer all of your questions. I should be out of the hospital by Tuesday, should be on my feet Monday afternoon, and back at everything in two weeks.

If you REALLY want to do something you can buy me a cigar. Robert left two on my porch on Monday night.

Thank you – seriously – for your thoughts, letters, prayers and general affection we have felt deeply loved throughout this process!

Rachel objects to my desire for cigars. She said, “Um… You have cancer, don’t tell people to buy you cigars…” My thought is that I have to give them up if I have Chemo, so in the meantime… bring em!

So, Rachel and I came to a decision regarding my treatment. We have decided to have the surgery: Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection on Monday (8 days, not tomorrow).

We came to the decision for a couple of reasons: one, it gives us a chance of no Chemo; two, they can biopsy the lymph nodes while I am “sleeping” and potentially look for more (Chemo simply shrinks, taking away diagnosis and the potential to know that the cancer is already gone); and three, the long-term effects of surgery are less than Chemo.

The surgery is laparoscopic, which means they don’t but me open, there will be just 3 incisions and they will all be small circles. This is good for recovery time. Mom is coming into town to help, and we expect my recovery to be similar to the other one (really just a few days of pain, and about two weeks before I can do almost everything).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, emails and phone calls. We have had so many ask how they can help. We will let you know – I promise!

I posted this pic because Caroline is eating frosting and sprinkles, and after my surgery I will have to observe a Medium-Triglyceride Diet (which means, not high fat stuff I think). No big deal.

It is 12:39 AM and I should be getting on to bed. But, I just wanted to tell folks who are checking this that we all had a pretty good day.

Rachel and I both exercised (my first time since the surgery). I got a lot of school work done. Our girls seemed to enjoy themselves – the highlight for me was being in a very small tent (“castle”) with Caroline and Julia.

Rachel got to get out for awhile (although the car wash took forever, thereby hindering her).

The guy from India fixed our Wireless Internet.

Anyway, amidst all of the mess and extra appointments, and decisions about chemo and surgery and surveillance it is good to know that it was simply a good day.

Also, if all of you make a big racket Rachel promised to post AMAZING pictures of our girls. (Reading between the lines: I post questionable pics 🙂 ).

Sometimes I like to nickname. For some of our doctors it is easier than others.

Yesterday we met with an oncologist at Barnes Jewish, and his pedigree is kind of ridiculous (Harvard, Duke, Berkely and I think he was the inspiration for Doc Hollywood… Okay, not the last one). Alas, he was very responsible in the way he communicated with Rachel and I. He was unwilling to hide behind statistics; instead choosing to encourage us that a cure is on the horizon, it did not used to be so, and whatever route (surgery or chemo, surgery and chemo) we choose we will likely end up in the same place: full cure. I think I was subconsciously hoping that he was going to sound radically different than our other doctors. It is good that he didn’t, but there was a let down that I am just beginning to place.

I think Rachel and I are both tired of visiting doctors. I still like joking with the nurses. My weight was 184.8, and I was really shooting for a 184 on the chart. I think I lost that one. All joking aside, I think Rachel and I are okay, we are processing as best we can. Yesterday I think we were tired; emotionally, mentally, etc. Re-read her blog entry as it was awesome.

Chemo is intriguing because it is a little more of a clean time line. This doctor wants three rounds (9 weeks), and then he thinks we would be done. Right this second I am leaning towards surgery (May 4th) and then Surveillance. The reason is two-fold (read: friends with Chandler in the box): One, they will do a pathology report because they will actually remove the tumors (Chemo shrinks them into nothingness). Two, if I can avoid Chemo I would like to do that. It is most likely that I would fully recover – in all ways – from chemotherapy (which is very bad for you). But, I would like to take a shot at no need for chemo. Again, Rachel and I are still in discussion and prayer. But, that is our update. Sorry to keep so many of you waiting.

The appointment was yesterday morning, and so the girls were with a babysitter. Later in the morning we went to the zoo, and as we pulled back to our house around nap-time Caroline, getting out of the car, turned to Rachel and I and said, “How was the doctor mommy and daddy?” It made me sad for a few seconds, but then I realized her context, and we told her it was fine except that daddy didn’t get a sucker. Aside from the random tantrums and desire for near-constant near-nudity (usually shoes, wings, a tiara, and underwear), it is very fun to raise Caroline.

Side note: I got to preach on Sunday and I think it went really well. The highlight for me was sitting on a Bass-Guitar stand. if you would like to listen to it you can listen (or save it) from the church’s website: http://www.riversidestl.org

Yours,
Matt Blazer