Author Archives: mattblazer

B1Y

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So, today is/was my day off and I decided to shoot some baskets at the Rec. Center. As I was working out I decided that I should call my workout B41Y – B for basketball, 41 minutes for about how long I did it (really an hour, but I sat down once and shot about 60 free throws). The Y is for “Why the Hell would you do P90X when you could do B41Y?”, but Rachel says the 90 is for how many days. So: B1Y is my workout; sounds more like a disease…

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed my kids a lot today – they are beautiful and funny and weird.
I sat at the landing of the stairs on the way to the playroom before bed, they threw things at me, I threw them back. It was all pretty fun until Julia threw a stroller. Seriously. No one was injured, but seriously? There were so many things in between the felt blocks and the plastic stroller. Oh well. I guess she threw some large stuffed animals as a warning first.
Rachel and I watched Frozen River. it just reminded me that movies make me a lot more tense than they used to. Redemption is strange in this movie, light enough to make you think it is believable, but as you go the fridge (google “Fridge logic”, apparently it is an industry term) you think, “Nah…. but I liked it”.
Then, I finished Hurt Locker. I don’t know how I felt about it. Mainly because I was talking with an Iraq vet once when some guys asked him if he had seen it. How come people don’t ask me if I have seen this or that movie about people who had cancer? Then ask, “I just wonder what you thought of it and if you thought it was realistic?” His response was light and awesome, “Well, do they just sit around for 90% of the time and then the other 10% is so crazy you can’t even figure out how to talk about it? If that is the movie, seems like it would be boring, but realistic.”
I’m being harsh, but not anecdotally. I am not mad at those guys; no one who hasn’t been knows how to ask but we’re all wondering. But, my friend the veteran (the one whose fault it is that I am reflecting on why/how/where I am different) compared my sickness with his being in Iraq. I don’t really see the parallels. I mean I do, but I don’t. They seem unnecessary.
How am I different? Movies are less important. I still enjoy them. My Valentine’s Day Gift was a card to watch movies, and I am excited – especially for Iron Man II. A Friend said that while I am (was) sick lesser affections would fade. He was correct. They are back; but dim.
Perspective still seems shallow to me. I don’t know that seeing Hurt Locker made me more or less empathetic to my friend. I’m just supposed to be empathetic (right? sympathetic would be if I could relate?).
I was trying to explain to the lady cutting my hair that my hair used to stick up. She said that people’s hair changes every seven years. I let it go. She did a good job. If I had told her about how chemo kills all cells which make new cells fast she might have messed up my now-well-blended sides.
🙂

2 Things I have learned about myself

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At least part of the point of continuing to blog is to think, pray, and own the things about me that are different. If you think this is a bad plan you can blame Jeremy; it was essentially his idea.

1. I don’t like 270 anymore. This might not be a post-cancer thing. If possible, I do not get on to 270. For instance, the drive to Seminary (at least from our old house, which you should buy) is shorter if you take 44 to 270. But, I don’t anymore. Laura showed me the way up Rock Hill to McKnight (My wife also used this way when she worked at the hospital), and I just liked it better. The speed was easier to navigate, less inducing, a rhythm I could get on board with. I prefer five more minutes in the car to getting there faster but going from 70 to 9 intermittently.

2. I think I am less interested in perspective. This has been growing in me in some ways for a long time – like when people come back from Missions trips and their main thing is “how much they have here and how thankful they are”. I think that that is true, and a good thing to learn but I don’t think a change of perspective changes people. In this case I used to try and relate to people, or semi-consciously compare what I had been through with what they are going through/been through. I didn’t mean to do it then, and now I consciously enjoy not trying to do it – I try to listen, be present, etc.

One of the ways this effects me is that in a lot of movies and media people have cancer. It is the disease of choice for the sick or dying person oftentimes. This makes avoiding it socially very difficult. I realized this when I was watching Up in the Air with a friend who is divorced: divorce is everywhere. My sister, who lost her father when she was 1, pointed out to me that fathers are everywhere.

I don’t think there is a BIG TRUTH here. I am just sifting through little differences in me, and thinking about them.

The inappropriate movie quote after the media paragraph is from the second scene in Naked Gun, where Leslie Nielsen says, “Everywhere I go I see things that remind me of her.”

Thoughts?

Discuss…

Just a couple of quotes

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HIghlights from today with my girls.

CKB, “Daddy, you should drink a beer. I will open it for you.” (this is because she found the opener and asked what it was for this morning… this conversation is as I am cooking dinner). She opens the beer. “Now you may drink it.” I complied.

CKB, “Daddy, I would like to wear my summer shirt – the one with butterflies, and flowers, and all of those beautiful things on it.”

CKB, “Daddy, I would like to put on my Fairy Princess Costume so that I will look special for God.”

CKB (after every time I put Julia to bed), “Daddy, I want another little sister.”

The Magic House was also a lot of fun. Julia doesn’t say a ton, but we had a ball today also. She loves Clifford.

Also found out I passed my ordination written tests today. Good feeling, thought I was going to have to sit down I was so relieved. Orals are in April.

As one my my prof’s used to say, “I hope you have a good weekend, and a good Lord’s Day.”

Julie and Julia

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Judge me all you want, but I loved this movie.

It went about 20 minutes longer than my 80’s-styled desire for a 91 minute movie with songs written just for that movie “Fletch is workin’ overtime…. bit by bit…” Julie and Julia was funny, cute, the marriages were very real – there was some real life disappointment, but they didn’t have to dwell on it or pretend it didn’t affect them.

Plus, I rented it for free. that is right: insideredbox.com. Thanks Todd Johnson.

So, I have 3 minutes to finish this blog, but I did want to throw it up there (up here?). Julie and Julia inspired me. I know there are many of you that like my blog (you have pointed this out by sometimes mentioning you don’t like when I write on the church blog… makes me laugh). My goal then, is to write. The sub-goal is for me to learn how I am changed. I was chatting with a friend the other night who was in Iraq, and he was encouraging me to own how I am different post-sickness. This has apparently been a helpful way for him to reflect – I was humbled that he would equate my sickness with war; very humbled. Rachel says it is one of the only things that has happened to me that I am unable to talk about without blanching… Chemotherapy specifically.

This will continue to be a random thoughts blog. I will write about movies, I will try to keep up my old church-correspondence with Bob Dillon, but my underlying post-Julie and Julia goal is to pay attention to how I am different.

As Chandler says to Monica when they realize they will have twins (through adoption), in response to Monica pointing out that he is panicking, “Join me, won’t you!?”

I didn’t realize I was weird about hair

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So, I have to run an Art Gallery in four minutes, but I have been meaning to blog.

I will list for brevity and clarity.

1. My facial hair is thinning. Meaning: there are spots on my chin and mustache that just don’t have hair anymore… it grew back, then it decided it wasn’t worth the effort apparently.

2. My hair came back flat, thin, and a bit wavy, maybe even a little darker. I Got used to it, loved not having to do anything to it, found it weird that it didn’t stick up for the first time in 32 years (except for my long hair phase… )

3. Then, I got it cut a few days back and it seems to be back to sticking up again… maybe with a bit less flair (I don’t like to talk about my flair), but it seems to be sticking up again.

4. Hair I could have lost well: ears, nose, chest.

Off to the Gallery, join us for a fun, affordable, and lively show.

Leaves

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Our family had dinner with a number of friends on Saturday Night and we all spent some time talking about what we were thankful for.

I thought my wife had the most interesting/unique thought: she is thankful for St. Louis. She had a number of reasons, and even has her own blog. Maybe that should be her next writing topic.

I went next to last. I thought of a lot of things I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Maybe I should be. I am not thankful for the familiarity of the seventh floor of Barnes Jewish Hospital. I am not thankful for the fact that we currently own two houses (although we certainly put ourselves in this spot). Do I need to say I am not thankful for Cancer? Probably not…

I am thankful for my kids. On Saturday we repeatedly got dirty playing in the leaves. I am thankful that I just sit and watch my kids more than I used to. I don’t think I sucked at it before, but I didn’t enjoy it like I do now. They are so beautiful, so destructive, so funny, so temperamental. A good speaker I have heard a few times states that of 100 people interviewed who were over 95 they almost inevitably came to 3 conclusions about what they wished they had done differently: risked more, reflected more, and done more for their legacy. This year has been about growing in the second one… which probably affects the 3rd one. And, the first one if you’re operating with a good set of definitions.

I am also thankful for my wife, who I learned a lot about this year. But, when I got to that point of the “I am thankful for toast” I started crying and rambling.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to tell you, the faithful readers, how it went. If you feel like praying I would appreciate it.

PS – I fixed the link…

"Let’s Kill Batman and have him for dinner"

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This is what Caroline said today as we returned from picking up Ron (our dog) at the groomer. It has been since the mid-Spring since he has been groomed. (the picture is the sunset on Friday Afternoon, the second one is the sunset on Saturday afternoon)

Batman is our cat.

I was unable to determine where she developed/heard the idea that we could 1. Kill things. 2. Kill our household pets. 3. Then eat them for dinner.

The point of this story: I like hanging out with my girls, they are fun and funny. The can also scream piercingly.

I promised my old friend Shelley that I would update my blog. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I have a CT Scan early in the morning, and then I will meet with Dr. Ridiculous next week. For those of you that don’t know a CT Scan involves me drinking radioactive fluid, then being shot with radiation (not like the kind that reduces tumors in size). This is to determine whether or not I am sick. You’re picking up the irony right?

I just looked up CT Scans on Wikipedia. It says that scans are going up in two demographics: adults and children. Who is left out exactly? Don’t answer that.

In honor of my scan and the fact that I cannot eat/drink tomorrow morning (except for my iodine shake) I overate tonight. It was a lot less fun than I thought it would be. But, it was Spaghetti with grass-fed beef.

I have a beer stein that reads, “I kicked Cancer’s butt”. I like drinking from it because I appreciate the sentiment and I really appreciate the friend who gave it. I don’t feel like I kicked cancer’s butt.

When I drive back from the hospital tomorrow I will pass a billboard for another hospital that says, “Patients love us, cancer fears us.” I do not like the billboard. I don’t think it is true, I think it is kind of arrogant, but mostly I just don’t like it. Unfortunately it is pretty bright.

I am working full time now and enjoying it. Parts of my job are still vague. My hair is strangely interested in laying down for the first time in my life, and it is a bit darker. Who knows if it will stay this way, but I don’t ever spend time messing with it.

What did I learn from cancer? I don’t know. I still don’t know. I still don’t like thinking about it. I still wonder how much Caroline remembers; she has a pretty good memory. What I tell people is, “What I thought about sickness and suffering before getting sick served me very well…” I still believe that. It has not really been added to. It doesn’t seem like the Bible is interested in distinguishing between sickness/suffering; they aren’t interchangeable but that just aren’t talked about the way we talk about them today. Generally, they are assumed.

That’s all I’ve got for the personal blog… Go read Rachel’s, she is a better writer, quite profound, and puts up the greatest pictures of our kids ever…

Thanks for your friendships, thoughts, prayers, etc.

It is the little things

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Many people have enjoyed telling me that my hair might grow back differently. I am not sure why this puts me off, but it kind of does. Rachel is surprised that it does.

You didn’t really think I didn’t know about the hair right? Was this ‘the thing’ you knew about Chemotherapy? Not a big deal either way. Seriously. My hair is back: same color, very thick, but finer. Which means, as Fabbio would say, Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa: it lays down. My hair usually won’t lay down until it is several inches long. It it nice that it lays down, I like it better than I did.
As I think about 2009 and this season of sickness, 2 surgeries, and cancer I don’t know that I have big answers when people ask big questions. My typical answer is that the things I thought about sickness/suffering before this season served me well while I was sick.
However, I’m writing today to talk about some of the little things. Some are connected with the side effects of Chemotherapy, and some not. For instance, during week 3 (I think) a nurse was giving me Bleomycin (the 2nd worse drug, or 2nd best depending on how you look at it). She mentioned, without making eye contact, that I could never scuba dive again. I don’t Scuba dive really. I have done something near it maybe 3 times and don’t want to get certified. But, she had just passed her Chemotherapy Board Thing for Nurses and remembered that those who get B can’t scuba dive (or get pure oxygen if I am hospitalized again). It bugged me. Scuba Diving is just a little thing, but who is she to take that away from me? What is this B (incidentally, “B” is the kind of Chemo Lance turned down because it effects your lungs) and when did it receive such power over my underwater endeavors?
Well, I’m working through my issues with all of these questions and wanted to share some little things about today.
I can now do push ups. Again, a little thing. I don’t do a lot of push ups anyway, but since my March surgery (and then subsequent May surgery) I have been unable because of pain in my abdomen. Women who have had a c-section know what I’m talking about. I tried to do some last week and could not. Now I can.
I had a cigar today as I mowed the lawn. I did not use the little cigar holder mom got me for the lawn mower because it is not as efficient as it claims. Nevertheless I had one. Cigars seemed abhorrent when I was sick (and I wasn’t allowed… the “B” again). It was a pleasant cigar, cheap.
I had two beers today. One after mowing the lawn, and one after riding our stationary bike (with Rachel makes me ride in the Storage Room because she is crazy about these flecks on our basement floor). Beer sounded awful to me when I was sick. I had one (thanks Ty), and it didn’t taste good. Today, they tasted amazing. One was a Schlafly Pilsner, and one a New Belgium (courtesy of my mother in law, thanks Shirley).
I finished Donald Miller’s New Book today. When I was sick I couldn’t read. I don’t know how to explain, and don’t particularly want to but my desire to read went south. I only read when I had to for class.
I am about to go shave. When I have time (like on Saturday), shaving is a very relaxing thing for me. I wash my face, rub hot water, put on the cream, etc. When I was sick, I obviously didn’t have the need to shave (if you didn’t notice, I only held on to my arm and eye-brow hair). It sort of made me doubly sad. Now, my facial hair grows and I need to shave it. A strange, but welcome blessing.
As I finish shaving I will play with my girls the rest of the day. This is not little a little thing, and I did not stop playing with them when I was sick. I was unable sometimes, but that desire did not fade. Nevertheless, I am so happy to have renewed energy to be with them.
I usually don’t blog/email/get on line on Saturday, as it is my Sabbath. But, I felt moved by the number of little things that have crept back into my life. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend, and a good Lord’s day tomorrow. I hope there are little things that you enjoy that you have time for today.
-Matt

Why I love Office Space

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I love it because Mondays are hard.

I want to get up and be spiritual, but I am thinking about my week. So, i pray some, then organize some, then start thinking through the week… And i have only just begun to drink coffee.

I got to hang out with Julia for about an hour in between Caroline getting dropped off for school and my attempts to begin my work week (I should probably focus on the fact that Sunday is supposed to be the first day…). Hanging out with Julia made it even harder because she is just easy and fun. And, when Caroline is not around she has the funniest sneaky smile on her face all the time. “I can play on Caroline’s bed” (Is what I think it means), “I can play with Caroline’s fairies”, “I can get out as many of Caroline’s stuffed animals as I want… And I don’t even want more than four, but that is more than I usually get.”

Anyway, it isn’t the easiest of days to get my head or heart around. I couldn’t even finish buying plane tickets because the swing in the prices between Monday and Wed. of Thanksgiving threw me off too much… Hilarious.

Anyway, while we all meditate on the annoying-ness of Mondays: here are some pictures of Caroline that I took while she was “flying”. And, the explanation of why my basketball didn’t make it to my basketball game on Sunday Afternoon.