Category Archives: Uncategorized

Steak N Shake Date

Posted by mattblazer on


So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don’t know why.

But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.

I like the idea of my blog, but don’t know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).

What do we do now?

Thoughts???

Discuss…

Quick Update and a GREAT picture

Posted by mattblazer on

I am feeling great. Sometime in November I will get a CAT scan, but I had one before Chemo and it didn’t find anything. So… Please know/remember that I am cured. The best and latest study on the kind of cancer I HAD would give me a 1/200 chance of a recurrence, and then they would kill that.

I started work full time at the church last week, so that has been a transition for the family. Caroline is in Pre-School 3 days a week, half days. Julia is awesome, and this is her favorite pass-time when Caroline is at school: interacting with things Caroline would never let her interact with!

We are still trying to sell our current house and finish working on our new house. We got such a good price it will only not make sense if it takes us a year to sell our current house. NEVERTHELESS, we would love for it to sell soon! When the new place is ready we will probably price-to-sell.

I don’t know when Rachel and I will feel like we can close the book/chapter/season of sickness. My hair is growing, but it is very thin. People still ask all the time how we are doing with plenty of cancer-emotion in their voice. We made all of the rounds to see family. Now we want to stop traveling forever… 🙂

I think the blog is about to become ‘just a blog again’. I don’t foresee Rachel writing on it soon, but maybe she plans to and I just don’t know about it. She does have a compelling message about, ‘if recovery equals being back to normal we will never “recover”…’ Which I thought was accurate in more ways than one. She didn’t mean we aren’t healed, just that we will always live with this season/story.

Thoughts???

Discuss…

Catharsis

Posted by mattblazer on


Rachel went to work on the new house today and I decided to take the girls to the park.

Caroline and I reason together a lot (it helps 27% of the time), and I asked her, “Which park do you want to go to?” And, she said, “The bug park”. For those of you who don’t know, that is Larsen Park. There is a section that has bugs on the ground, and it is a good park because Julia can crawl some before she starts eating dirt and sticks.
I packed pretzels, 2 packs of peanut butter crackers, one sippy-cup of Grape Juice and a jug of back up, craisins (Cranberries… shrunk. I think), 2 board books, 2 regular books, 2 princesses, one australian shepherd, and one mickey toy. Did I mention I was going to try to run for the first time? Well, I did. First run since May. 2 steps our of our drive way I was already breathing as though I had been running (fast) for 20 minutes. This means that I was taking one breath for every two steps. Right, left – breathe in – right left – breathe out. Sounds sort of like Mr. Miyagi (and I have been likened to Ralph Macchio, especially when I was thinner). The breathing worried me that I wouldn’t make it off of our street.
I made several time and distance commitments as I pushed our double stroller through the first block. By Belleview it had been 25 minutes and I walked the rest of the way. Success.
It was cathartic.
A few weeks ago I re-read “We Don’t Live Here Anymore” by my favorite author Andre Dubus. In the last section/novella “Finding a Girl in America” the protagonist, Hank Allison, is running with his friend Jack after he has been deeply hurt deeply by a woman. At the end of their run he yells, “I can’t get catharsis!!!” (Jack and Hank are both English professors, so they can yell ‘catharsis’ out loud I guess). He then tells Jack about the event, and then there is a bit of sorely needed redemption in Hank’s story.
Every time frame I can think of – today, this week, this month, this year, this season, my time in St. Louis – needs some cleansing. Today I went running and it felt good. It was cathartic towards all of those time frames, in the small but effective way that exercise is. I wanted to share with you that it felt good. Cleansing.
My grandma recently asked me to not forget that I have a blog. Mom doesn’t looks at the dates and was all confused about an earlier post (she thought it was about her… silly mom). Some hair has started growing back. Not much, but some. My appetite went to a normal place about four days ago (I can be full now). We have seen 2 of the 3 groups of family we are planning to see, and the next one begins next Monday. I killed my phone again today so if you need to get in touch email or call the home phone.

some pictures…

Posted by mattblazer on

Caroline has been dancing & singing “Once Upon A Dream” from Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, Princess Aurora lives in my house & I didn’t know it! And she’s naked.

Matt & Julia at the Zoo (Herpetarium- our girls like the reptile house ALOT).
Julia seems to be enjoying it more than Daddy.
Caroline & Julia are starting to be able to play together… it’s pretty fun!
Yes, Caroline wears clothes sometimes- I promise.
I just like this picture of Julia.
Happy first day of August, everyone!
-rachel

Parade of kids

Posted by mattblazer on

It is 8:38 as I write this blog. I am drinking my second cup of coffee, my girls are watching “Sleeping Beauty” and eating cereal with me (and eating gummy vitamins and drinking juice).

If my head wasn’t cold I think I would feel the same as I did in the Spring.
There are still random side effects. If my stomach has nothing in it I feel slightly sick. However, ‘slightly sick’ is nothing compared to… Well, you know. The ringing in my ears has gone down a lot. I think my energy is increasing. I can’t drink carbonated drinks quickly, but they are tasting better.
Last week we saw some of Rachel’s family, and this week and in two weeks we are seeing my family. It is hilarious, because the visits are seemingly about me – but they are really just family coming together and always end up being a lot about our kids. I kind of expect the time to be about me, but I don’t think I really want it to be. If I am honest I feel disappointed, then relieved. I think this week will be like that. I love my family and it will be fun, but most of my energy will be put towards my girls and that is like the side effects going away – the world is returning to ‘normal’. In this case ‘normal’ means “without cancer”.
I owe a lot of people phone calls. I think Tom tops the list. I have to finish a class during this family time. But, I finished a longer systematic theology class during Chemo – surely that was harder!
Anyway, I just wanted to throw an update out there. Many have mentioned wanting to hear from Rachel. I’m sure she will post again when she has the energy! We’re beginning to think about what we learned, but in a lot of ways we’re holding off those thoughts until 2010 (or later). If we ever land on anything we will let you know. For now we are glad that the ‘treatments’ are over.
I was looking for a new picture of Julia scratching the crap out of my hairless head, but it doesn’t appear to be on the computer yet. She is very randomly violent… Maybe I will can find it later and post it. She looks happy and I look like there are ten wasps on my head.

Bathtime

Posted by mattblazer on


Today Rachel (Matt writing) went to visit some friends in the hospital and bring them dinner. It is actually their son who is sick, and if you have the time they could use your prayers also.

Anyway, so I bathed Julia first because Caroline asked me to Caroline does not like baths as much as she has in the past even though we have taken to calling them “Fairy Princess Bubble Baths”. So, Julia was clean, lotioned, pajamed, and playing while Caroline was playing (she actually wanted to play… which is slightly less amazing than the fact that she did not cry when I shampooed and Conditionered her hair).
Julia and I played in her room for awhile and then went to big sister’s room where there are more toys. Of course Julia doesn’t know what to do with many of them so she was simply handing them to me. As I sat on the floor I realized I was stretching my head to hear Caroline make noises (it is easy to hear her in Julia’s room, but much harder in her room). To make matters worse she was actually dunking a bottle and letting bubbles out of it. So, I would stretch my head and hear just bubbles… Nerve wracking!
I finally said, “Caroline, I need you to say ‘I’m okay Daddy’.” She had been listening well all day and she sort of whispered, “I’m okay Daddy…” but I heard her. Its amazing to know that she hasn’t ever really had an accident in the tub, she is a very careful kid, etc. Her whispering that just made me sigh deeply in relief. And, I decided since I was the parent and didn’t need an anxiety attack – Julia and I could play in Julia’s room where I would worry less. Chances are lower that she would indulge me a second time with the “I’m okay Daddy”.
It occurred to me that many of you who read this might need to hear me say that I am okay. I am. My appetite is fantastic (well, it is selective but interested in a lot of whatever it wants… lately pizza). Today I was helping a friend move and had a cup of coffee. It was maybe my third cup since beginning Chemo, and my first that I drank all of. I also didn’t eat much breakfast and it didn’t kill me (the appetite works in multiple ways usually… I HAD been feeling queasy anytime my stomach was empty. See previous Facebook update of the four plates of nachos that came after dinner). I have started reading again (Dubus). I finished my have-to-go-on-campus-class. I’m even planning on doing some work on our fence tomorrow after church. I talked to a friend today and she was just so relieved to hear that I was doing well. I hope you are too. Thank you for your time, your prayers, your thoughts, those who brought us a blueberry pie, those who have planned parties for us, those who want to plan parties, those who facebook, those who call… I could go on and on. Thank you. This isn’t my last blog or anything, but I just feel a lot better and wanted you to know.

Ah-Da (Julia, "All done")

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Today was my last day of Chemotherapy. The doctor is very confident that this is it. Rachel is even more confident. Last week some people were asking me how they can help her, and I just kept thinking, ‘She just needs Chemo to be over… Can you make it next Tuesday?’ Well, Tuesday is here, I had treatment this morning at 10:00, and we’re all downhill.

I played basketball last night and it continues to be a nice gift. Although my friend Matt got slapped in the face and headbutted… But, we won and I played effectively (didn’t have to foul anybody to get out of the game like 2 weeks ago).
My girls are so fun to hang out with. We went to the park this evening and they are a lot of fun. Ron even got to Whomp a lab that came running to him (Ron broke out of his leash… you should see him after he gets to whomp a dog, he is so happy…).
Julia is starting to “express” herself a bit more. Which means she scratches and claws when not being heard. Caroline is listening better (and worse), and becoming far more interesting.
I should say something REALLY inspiring, but we are just so glad to be done. I wonder if we have been inspiring to any of the nurses or doctors. I kind of doubt it. Apparently my chemo is pretty rigorous and they usually just felt sorry for me.
I will continue to do school this summer. My next CAT scan is in November or December (remember I had one after surgery and they couldn’t see the cancer then). My next meeting with the doc will be at the end of August. My overall recovery should take about a month – including hair.
Thank you for your prayers, notes, meals, thoughts, etc.

Tired

Posted by mattblazer on

I just got a nice email from an old friend and I just found myself (this is actually Matt writing) telling him I was tired.  I could tell you about side – effects.  We could speak of the cumulative effects that make this week harder than it might be on paper (a “non-intense week” is how we have been referring to it when I only get treatment on Tuesdays for an hour).  The reality is that we are tired.

It doesn’t help that we are trying to sell our house.  But, sometimes it makes our days simpler – when we have a showing we have a couple of things we do.  
I am still in wonder of the fact that Rachel deals with my side – effects as though she had them.  I mean, she doesn’t feel sick but she is so emotionally affected.  I told her today that it would be simpler if she didn’t love me.  I haven’t read (except for school – which I am passing…  and only passing) in a month.  I don’t enjoy TV.  Rachel mowed the lawn today.  
We can do this.  One more Tuesday and then about a month of recovery.  But we are tired.  We think some about how we would respond to friends in the future after having gone through this season.  you can ask us about that some other time, we have some tentative conclusions.  Which is slightly ironic because intentionality seems to be a common thread with those who love us well.  
Thank you again for your help, for meals, for phone calls and facebooks.  Thank you more for your prayers.  We are tired but we are okay.  

aorist

Posted by mattblazer on

Did you know I HAD cancer?

Even as we slough through the last two weeks of treatment I hope it encourages you.
I had a friend correct another friend a few days ago. They cannot find my cancer. But, because it is a germ cell they want to be as certain as possible.
I will try to be very careful with my verb tenses. I had cancer. I am still going through Chemo, but as far as my oncologist can tell I don’t have cancer.
Be encouraged.

2 more…

Posted by mattblazer on



2 more short treatments & then done.  or, “aw dun” as julia says as she sweeps her food to the floor.  the next 2 tuesdays are still unpleasant in different, somewhat more manageable ways- bleomycin doesn’t have the same effects as the cisplatin or etoposide.  matt feels pretty awful right now… will start to feel somewhat better tomorrow afternoon (no one will put more poison in him tomorrow, which will help tremendously).  hopefully he will be able to eat more by sunday, although he has done a great job of trying to eat here & there & keep drinking fluids.  smart man- and very strong.  you know how you feel when you have the flu?  doesn’t scratch the surface of what he’s been dealing with each day (and night), and he’s still pushing through.  i’m amazed.

i’m also amazed by the fact that i’m still learning things about him.  we’ve been married almost 6 years;  shouldn’t we be experts on each other by now?  well, apparently not.  i had no idea that he is an almost hopeless optimist.  i think it is serving him well in some ways- hoping for the best possible outcome from each surgery & treatment is surely more healthy than assuming the worst.  it can also be more painful to get bad news when you’ve been solely focused on the good… but i think it works for him.  i’m not wired that way- i kind of ride the fence between optimism and pessimism.  not expecting things to be the worst they can be, but certainly not holding onto the most positive outlook.  matt is good for me in this way.
i went running tonight for the first time since his diagnosis (real running- no stroller, just me & ron).  it felt really good- very normal, very familiar.  i listened to music i haven’t heard in months, sprinted up a few hills, smelled some fantastic flowers in the humid night air. i also sweated A LOT.  the air temperature has dropped, but the pavement did not get the message- waves of sticky, steamy air pouring out of the street.  it was pretty awesome.  do you associate smells with certain times in your life?  sticky-summer-night-running smells remind me of high school track.   it’s a good memory.
someone asked me yesterday where i am with God in all of this.  i thought it was a strange question because i don’t think i change “where i am with God” depending on my circumstances.  but i understand what she was asking.  i am not angry & bitter with Him;  neither am i feeling utterly safe & close with Him.  i am not having incredible hours of intimacy with Him each morning;  neither am i giving Him the silent treatment.  i could be seeking Him more & asking for growth & wisdom.  but i am still listening, and i don’t feel alone or abandoned or empty.   that’s saying alot about our Lord, i think.  and it is enough.