Mean Friday

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So, I take the stairs to the 7th floor of the Siteman Cancer Center.  Because everyone says exercise helps.  And it does.  Yesterday we walked for about an hour after I got home, and I felt better (not ‘good’ mind you).  Some of the nurses and workers up here try to get you to be happy, and some make faces that understand, and some make faces that make me think that they think that Ron just died (Ron is my dog, and he is unhappy these days, but very alive).

At the reception desk, where I get a pager, she said, “How are you doing?”  And, I said, “You know what happens when I go back there right?”  And, she said, “But, today’s Friday!”  And I said, “That I can get on board with…  Yes, I am happy it is Friday.”
Today marks the end of the first intense round of Chemo.  Next week and the week after I only get one dose on Tuesdays (just two hours), and all it does is give me a fever…  Sheesh, I will take a fever!  So, apparently 24-48 hours after Chemo it will be out of my system – so that is exciting.  By this time tomorrow I will feel crappy still, but I will feel crappy at home and I can take my family (or just my dog) on a walk.  Walking sort of feels like my body is choke-slamming the nausea – it is still there, but further away.
By the way, this blog is supposed to make you smile or at least know that everything is okay.  I can do this.  The intense week is almost over, the view is nice, it took my four tries to eat my Chipotle Burrito from Wednesday but it is now gone.  
Mom and I were commiserating that we would rather be grown in character through a conference or a book, but we are okay with this too.  I think my whole family would ditto that.  It hasn’t been an easy couple of years for really any side of the family – although I don’t think any of them begrudge me getting cancer.  Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.  Thank you to Ty for driving me today, thank you to those who have brought me lunch, thank you to Margie and Anne who watched Julia (although that isn’t hard…  she is pretty agreeable as long as you know where the yogurt is) so Rachel could come up here, thank you to those who did not bring me lunch because the thought of seeing a person or food actually made me feel worse.  Thank you to the two young men who painted my fence yesterday.  
Chemo sucks, but we need to do it (and i know that many of you are feeling it with us because of your affection for us – not just family).  Chemo sucks, but it will be over in about five weeks.  I can do anything for five weeks.  

Thursday

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I’m drinking Cranberry Juice, looking our over the Central West End in St. Louis.  

I have had 3 rooms in Barnes Jewish Hospital, and the view was good in each one.
So, I keep trying to motivate myself to do school work.  Not happening.  Every once in awhile I try to come up with a witty or encouraging blog post.  Not happening.  
Many of you say I am brave.  I don’t think so.  I think I’m just doing what needs to be done.  
The good news is that the next two weeks are significantly easier.  Even though I have another long day tomorrow.  Chemo sucks, I continue to appreciate your prayers and thoughts.  

Better

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So, the “feel good” part seems to come in waves.

I slept all morning (after not sleeping well last night and being sick this morning), and then got a couple of visitors for lunch (you are of course only supposed to have one at a time, so Martin had to hide behind the door when nurses came in).  I didn’t think I would want to see them, but it was nice and I perked up enough to eat some Jimmy John’s.  
Today will be a long day as I have to monitored while receiving the Bleomycin.  
I don’t know how I’m doing.  I think we’re just knuckling down and getting it done.  I’m going to continue with school, we’re still working and playing with our kids; except now I sometimes have to leave the park to be sick…  But, then I come back feeling better.  And, I can chase Caroline.  There were several post-surgery weeks where there was no chasing.  I think I would rather be sick once/twice a day and still be able to chase her.
There is nothing like a round of cisplatin (The “p” in BEP Chemo) to make you realize how much you like reading 3 Curious George stories to your 3 year old.  Although, I have come to really question the Man in the Yellow Hat.  Not only is he absent and irresponsible, I’m not sure his relationships with married women are appropriate.  Do you know more about his vacations with Mrs. Needleman?
Anyway, thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, messages, etc.
Last night when I couldn’t sleep I came up with some really profound words about being a Christian and having cancer.  Apparently they have left me.  
Essentially I think I am more thankful for the Christian posture I am continually trying to adopt.  I do not think this posture offers me “meaning” in a grand way that other postures do not.  But, I do think that my hope in the redemption of the world is still connected with my hope for healing – now or later.  I understand that I (we) will be grown through this process, and while I (we) would rather be grown through advice, or books, we are willing to submit to our growth as participants in what Jesus is doing to redeem the world.
I wonder about my conviction towards this next time I am sick.  But, I do believe it and am comforted that my mess is okay, I am known and loved, and that – even amidst cancer – my family has a role to play in putting the world back to rites.  

Day Two

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I do not feel well.

Which is why some of you are not receiving calls back or emails back.
I don’t have texts anymore either.  
Yesterday was okay – some nausea, then good times with the girls and enjoyed playing basketball (we won – which always helps, I air-balled a shot and felt I had some very good excuses lined up).
Today is all three of the Chemo-Therapies.  Suck.  This is still better than cancer, but definitely not fun.  

Mystique killed: Day One

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So, I am sitting in the Chemo Room.  The schedule says I have a private room the other four days of this week.  

My thought is that since so many of you check the blog, and I will be sitting here a lot – I should update the blog a lot.  
I am currently being hydrated – which takes two hours.  Getting some magnesium to go with the saline.  About 20 minutes ago they infused me with a steroid which helps nausea, helps the Chemo to work, and hopefully it will make me springey tonight at my basketball game (Doctor Joel would call it “feeling froggy”).  Also got some Kytril (like Zophran), have Emend if I want it (and some compazine).  Those are all for nausea.  The nurse said it would be a good week to do some Spring Cleaning because I will likely have some trouble sleeping with the steroid…  Except for tomorrow when they will be giving me Benadryl.  
Anyway, we are here (Rachel is here).  I could also tell you about my clinical trial of other stuff (and the journal they gave me.  I’m going to draw a horse on it, with a sword, to guard my hopes and dreams…  That is a Scrubs reference), but I will cut the blog short.
In some ways we are excited that in 6 weeks we will be done with Cancer Treatment.  We are certainly still nervous about today.  The Chemo I will get, once the hydrating is over, will probably make me pretty nauseous (getting the “E” and the “P” of BEP, the “P” (Cisplatin) is the one that makes many nauseous).  I am excited that I’m not getting a port.  I’m excited to hang out with the girls today.  I am excited to try and play basketball.  Feel free to email today as I will be sitting until around 4:00 PM.

2 – sided Blog

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So, first I will update everyone.

We met with the oncologist yesterday.  I also had blood work done.  I am tired of blood work for two reasons: one, they stick you with a needle (Sorry Sweeney…  )  and two, it has yet to tell us anything as far as I understand it.  
2 Rounds of Chemotherapy, beginning this Monday (June 1st).  14 Times in the hospital – two intense weeks (this coming week, and then again in four weeks), and four non-intense weeks where I only go in once/week for about two hours.  The kind of Chemo I will be receiving is BEP, just if you feel like looking it up.  I’m not sure if that makes sense (Somebody make my wife blog…).  This next week I will be up there for 8-9 hours, M-F.  The two weeks after that it is just one day/week for two hours.  Then we start over again on June 21st: intense week, followed by two non-intense weeks.
The reason we are getting Chemo is that my cancer is a germ-cell, and while they will probably be unable to locate it in my body (that scan is tomorrow…  damn Contrast tastes like REALLY crappy Sunny Delight) after the surgery, because of the amount they found in the surgery it is nationally recommended that I receive some Chemo.  If the cancer were to come back I would have to have at least 3 rounds (9 weeks, instead of 6), so, we’re going to reduce to almost nothing the chance it will come back.  This is one of the types of cancer that, once you know what it is, you know how to kill it.  We tried surgery, and it “worked”, but now we need to make sure it won’t come back.  
I will lose my hair (apparently some people don’t, but the “b” makes it very likely).  I will probably feel lethargic and relatively nauseous.  I was THRILLED that I am not only allowed, but supposed to exercise – so I’m hoping to play ball on Monday night.  I will be next to worthless from beyond the arc but am still excited.  The fellow-Doctor said not to play hockey, but b-ball is okay!
The oncologist asked me (with Rachel in the room) to not impregnate “anyone” while undergoing Chemo.  It was a mixture of funny and awkward!
Part two of Blog.  This week two friends emailed and said that email (and the blog) are unacceptable to them as friends.  The point was: we need to hear your voice and talk to you – even if it is just for five minutes.  
I know that we have shut out a number of people – family included to some degree.  I want to ask your forgiveness if we have hurt you.  Rachel and I don’t claim to know how to walk through this, and we’re just taking steps.  I’m not necessarily apologizing, because I know all of you want us to be healthy.  At the same time, if you’re in this boat – please call.  Seriously, it was funny how much it meant to me for people to say that – even as I thought one of them was somewhat off base in their request.  It means a lot, I have been in your shoes, etc.  So, if we have hurt you and you want to talk with one of us, go ahead and give us a call or tell us in email you would really like to talk (definitely have two family members that left messages last week) and we’ll make time.  
Next week will begin some new craziness, but we’re excited that in 7 weeks we will (most likely, roughly 1/2 of 1% chance of recurrence, which we would then kill) be cancer free.  
As always, ask questions, comment about whatever…  

My friend Tom

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Sometimes I look back on times in my life and wonder if they are more or less important that other times. I was in a fraternity in college – Sigma Phi Epsilon. One of my pledge brothers, Robert Thomas Gunning the III (I will explain later – if you want – why I know all of their middle names), just sent me two photos that he framed. I took them our freshman year of college – one of our house when it was snowing and the lights were blurry in the snow, and one of the Columns on the Univ. of Missouri’s Red Campus. This is not my pic – mine is better, it is at a fun angle, next time you’re at my house I’ll show it to you (with the picture of a snowy 405 S. Kentucky).

All this to say it has been a nice week. Saturday was good. I feel progressively better. I am cheating more and more in the amount I pick up my beautiful daughters.

We have realized there is some mystique with Chemotherapy that will go away when we simply do it. I talked at length with an older friend who went through it a few years ago. Meetings and appointments begin on Thursday, and continue until Chemo starts on June 1st. I hope you’re well and also had a good weekend and Lord’s Day. Thank you for the cigars (5 and counting – thanks Zach, Walker, and Robert), the phone calls, the emails, the prayers, the prayer emails, the food (non stop for two weeks… we are still eating it), and for being in our lives before this happened – so that we could more easily rely on you while it is happening.

Thanks.

The _______________ of Strangers

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So, I was in Clayton today – which is a different part of STL, but where I meet with some guys to have coffee every couple of weeks. After studying for awhile I wandered into downtown Clayton in search of lunch. I found a Gellateria (sp?), and thought, “There’s a snowballs chance in %^&* and I’ll take it…” Meaning: I knew I couldn’t have one, but I thought I would ask. I think I blogged about the diet, if not we can discuss it later. Well the short of it is that I could have had some kind of ice with raspberry, and the long of it is that I ended up having to tell the lady I have cancer. Her Fiance is a “T. Cancer survivor”. I now know 3 in STL. Statistically that means I know 22-25% of the STL Metro Population who has had/has T. Cancer. She was also very nice. I think it is easier for strangers to know what to say.

When ordering my sandwich about 4 doors down the guy basically asked why I was being so careful, so I told him. He kept calling me sir, but other than that I really appreciated his sentiments.

I really don’t have too much to complain about in regards to people saying dumb stuff or weird stuff, but it struck me as funny how relatively easy it was for strangers to just say they were sorry. I’ll probably figure out what I think people should REALLY say in 10 years when I’m done thinking about it, but Mom says it is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Of course, Mom hasn’t re-exegeted my scenario. The other funny thing was that the Sandwich guy remarked that I seemed in good spirits. That is my dad’s bottom line; the somewhat innocuous, “But, he seemed in good spirits…” I feel like it means, coloquially, “His life sucks, but he seems okay… ” Or, “Such is life, but he has moved on well…” Never mind.

This is a good week. As soon as I finish writing this I will be 80% done with this Semester and 75% done with Finals. And Rachel swore I could see Star Trek after I finish… So, I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice. Hope you’re having a pleasant Tuesday.

Time

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It is interesting what time does.

I think we all simply feel better today.

We went on a walk yesterday, something clicked internally and I could start taking deep breaths at about 8 PM last night, and this morning I woke up with my pain almost totally gone and the tightness of abdomen surgery down at least 50%. This is what we were told would happen, but it was still nice. Mom left me a nice beverage that I tried – it was delicious, thanks mom.

We won’t know how much Chemo until we get the test results back (tests are in late May), but we know it is out there and the reality is just easier to take after a few days I guess.

A good friend wrote and said he hoped I was not losing hope in my faith or in my healing. I am not. We are not. I firmly believe the Bible doesn’t offer me a straight-forward explanation/purpose/meaning to sickness. After that I am filled with hope for what this will accomplish in our lives as we move through it. And, I am still fully convinced that by the end of the summer I will be cancer free.

Mom and I were getting a little edgey with one another and she kept offering explanations. I then offered that we might both be put off by me having cancer. So, she said I should stop having it. And I plan to, it will just be a few weeks. In the meantime we will keep loving our girls, I will continue in Seminary (they have been great by the way… literally offering me help in any number of ways and not waiting for me to ask or remind them I am sick), etc.

Caroline has about 20 stickers stuck to her self right now (bandaids), and all of the girls are in the front yard while i “study” (or blog). Hope you also have a nice Saturday, thanks again for the support, thoughts, prayers, etc.

June Plans

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So, I was talking with a friend and mom was here, and I mentioned the probability that I would have chemo… Mom corrected me, “You’re having chemo.”

She is right. At the point of conversation we were waiting on some information – which we now have – but she was right anyway.

I can get technical if you want (and you don’t, because I always confuse folks), and I can explain the movement of the disease from the beginning (February really… although no real diagnosis until April). But, what you want to know is, “What now?” Well, because of the amount of cancer they found they want to do Chemotherapy beginning June 1st. Tests will be run between now and then, we still covet your prayers between now and then, but that is the bottom line. After June we will know how much, but the therapy will begin then.

So many of you have offered help. Please hear me that we will ask, and that we appreciate so much that you have offered. It is hard to get more babysitters for the girls because they like babysitters even less (which is amazing) these days, and in many ways we have to figure out ways for people to actually help. So, thank you. What we hear when you offer help is, “We love you and want you to know it.” Well, we do! I don’t think we could be much more encouraged by all of the food, notes, phone calls, etc.

In other news, Caroline has packed all of her underwear into an easter basket. Julia couldn’t be more pleasant. I (Matt) kicked the pain pills today because the side effects were more annoying than the pain. I start finals tomorrow, and could use prayer that I will stop doing the math on potential flunking (0% chance in all classes) and actually study!

How are we processing all of this? I don’t know that we know any better than you do how to process it. The cancer is still 99% treatable/curable/killable – and Chemotherapy was always the most reliable way you just try to do the surgery before it becomes necessary. Only God (seriously… and we have some good doctors) knows when we would have had to have had surgery to accomplish that (what a great sentence!). Thanks again for all your thoughts, you can still ask questions, we appreciate the continued prayers, and we will ask for help when we realize what we need it with!