See why I wanted just Julia? Simon is good looking, but Julia is down right awesome.
Author Archives: mattblazer
This picture is posted in honor of Simon, who does love our girls a lot. They mostly love him 🙂
How do we play well? For me it simply means looking at my girls when I am with them, listening to them when they talk, and trying to not think about work, my next meeting, or what I’m going to do when they are napping. I want to be a father who plays well. So, in the Spirit of that I let Caroline play in this fountain for 30 minutes yesterday as we were leaving the zoo. I had to take her down after she wouldn’t stop splashing Tyler. I’m pretty sure Tyler would not have been allowed on the fountain, except that his dad didn’t know how to equitably say “no” when a 3 year old girl was on top of this fountain. I don’t know if you can tell, but it is about four feet high.
The result: Caroline became very wet. The reason that is okay: she might have already been wet.
My brother said keep a running list of questions, Anna said post pictures, Simon whined that he got cut out (or, I made Julia the center of the picture…). I suppose I am trying to keep everyone happy. I do like blogging. If you follow me on Twitter/FB you would also see that I am finally happy with the thickness of my hair…
Enough. As my favorite professor used to say, “Have a good weekend, and a good Lord’s Day.” Even if you don’t think he was LORD, it is still cool that for absolutely no astronomical reason we observe a 7 day week. Must be some other compelling reason. At any rate, have a good weekend.
Steak N Shake Date
So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don’t know why.
But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.
I like the idea of my blog, but don’t know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).
What do we do now?
Thoughts???
Discuss…
Skull
Rachel spent Saturday painting the house. This meant two things: One, I was with the girls all day (awesome) and two we needed to not be in the house in case there was a showing (sometimes awesome). So, we went to the zoo. There were highlights: we waited five minutes on the Black Rhino and he then came out. There were lowlights: we missed the Cheetah running by 13 seconds (twice).
But, in the insectarium was the story I have been asked to share. I always try to get to the back quickly, because if I want to look at bugs I can go to my windows or basement. But, at the back there is a butterfly house that is cold and full of butterflies – a winning combination to be sure.
As the three of us are walking Caroline tells me she wants Ariel. Ariel is a small doll of the princess, Ariel the ex-mermaid. I knew we had brought her in from the stroller, but we re-traced our steps back, watching the ground the entire way and Caroline becoming more and more panicky. As it turns out she was not panicking because I couldn’t find Ariel, but because she knew where Ariel was, but had forgotten to help me begin the search there. Ariel had been jammed into a Cow’s Skull in the insectarium. The skull houses a long centipede. I was not excited about this endeavor. There is glass between the bug and the eye, or in this case there was a bed of glass for our wayward princess. My hand was not fitting down either eye socket as Caroline became more and more frantic. I tried to use my keys. For what, I cannot exactly say but they appeared like a loose collection of tools in an otherwise hopeless situation, so I tried them. Nothing. Tried my pen. With my pen I could actually push Ariel. So, I stabbed her a few times out of spite.
This was when a nice young lady rescued us with her small hands. She pulled Ariel out and Caroline did her the amazing dignity of looking into her eyes to say thank you.
Then we hung out with the butterflies and went home. I also scared Julia to death trying to keep her awake in the car. It is so sad when you scare them so much they obviously forget to cry. And, this picture is of Caroline with the Black Mamba. Why does she love the Black Mamba? Is it because we let her watch Kill Bill so many times?
Quick Update and a GREAT picture
I am feeling great. Sometime in November I will get a CAT scan, but I had one before Chemo and it didn’t find anything. So… Please know/remember that I am cured. The best and latest study on the kind of cancer I HAD would give me a 1/200 chance of a recurrence, and then they would kill that.
I started work full time at the church last week, so that has been a transition for the family. Caroline is in Pre-School 3 days a week, half days. Julia is awesome, and this is her favorite pass-time when Caroline is at school: interacting with things Caroline would never let her interact with!
We are still trying to sell our current house and finish working on our new house. We got such a good price it will only not make sense if it takes us a year to sell our current house. NEVERTHELESS, we would love for it to sell soon! When the new place is ready we will probably price-to-sell.
I don’t know when Rachel and I will feel like we can close the book/chapter/season of sickness. My hair is growing, but it is very thin. People still ask all the time how we are doing with plenty of cancer-emotion in their voice. We made all of the rounds to see family. Now we want to stop traveling forever… 🙂
I think the blog is about to become ‘just a blog again’. I don’t foresee Rachel writing on it soon, but maybe she plans to and I just don’t know about it. She does have a compelling message about, ‘if recovery equals being back to normal we will never “recover”…’ Which I thought was accurate in more ways than one. She didn’t mean we aren’t healed, just that we will always live with this season/story.
Thoughts???
Discuss…
Catharsis
Rachel went to work on the new house today and I decided to take the girls to the park.
Caroline and I reason together a lot (it helps 27% of the time), and I asked her, “Which park do you want to go to?” And, she said, “The bug park”. For those of you who don’t know, that is Larsen Park. There is a section that has bugs on the ground, and it is a good park because Julia can crawl some before she starts eating dirt and sticks.
I packed pretzels, 2 packs of peanut butter crackers, one sippy-cup of Grape Juice and a jug of back up, craisins (Cranberries… shrunk. I think), 2 board books, 2 regular books, 2 princesses, one australian shepherd, and one mickey toy. Did I mention I was going to try to run for the first time? Well, I did. First run since May. 2 steps our of our drive way I was already breathing as though I had been running (fast) for 20 minutes. This means that I was taking one breath for every two steps. Right, left – breathe in – right left – breathe out. Sounds sort of like Mr. Miyagi (and I have been likened to Ralph Macchio, especially when I was thinner). The breathing worried me that I wouldn’t make it off of our street.
I made several time and distance commitments as I pushed our double stroller through the first block. By Belleview it had been 25 minutes and I walked the rest of the way. Success.
It was cathartic.
A few weeks ago I re-read “We Don’t Live Here Anymore” by my favorite author Andre Dubus. In the last section/novella “Finding a Girl in America” the protagonist, Hank Allison, is running with his friend Jack after he has been deeply hurt deeply by a woman. At the end of their run he yells, “I can’t get catharsis!!!” (Jack and Hank are both English professors, so they can yell ‘catharsis’ out loud I guess). He then tells Jack about the event, and then there is a bit of sorely needed redemption in Hank’s story.
Every time frame I can think of – today, this week, this month, this year, this season, my time in St. Louis – needs some cleansing. Today I went running and it felt good. It was cathartic towards all of those time frames, in the small but effective way that exercise is. I wanted to share with you that it felt good. Cleansing.
My grandma recently asked me to not forget that I have a blog. Mom doesn’t looks at the dates and was all confused about an earlier post (she thought it was about her… silly mom). Some hair has started growing back. Not much, but some. My appetite went to a normal place about four days ago (I can be full now). We have seen 2 of the 3 groups of family we are planning to see, and the next one begins next Monday. I killed my phone again today so if you need to get in touch email or call the home phone.
some pictures…
Caroline has been dancing & singing “Once Upon A Dream” from Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, Princess Aurora lives in my house & I didn’t know it! And she’s naked.
Matt & Julia at the Zoo (Herpetarium- our girls like the reptile house ALOT).
Julia seems to be enjoying it more than Daddy.
Caroline & Julia are starting to be able to play together… it’s pretty fun!
Yes, Caroline wears clothes sometimes- I promise.
I just like this picture of Julia.
Happy first day of August, everyone!
-rachel
Parade of kids
It is 8:38 as I write this blog. I am drinking my second cup of coffee, my girls are watching “Sleeping Beauty” and eating cereal with me (and eating gummy vitamins and drinking juice).
If my head wasn’t cold I think I would feel the same as I did in the Spring.
There are still random side effects. If my stomach has nothing in it I feel slightly sick. However, ‘slightly sick’ is nothing compared to… Well, you know. The ringing in my ears has gone down a lot. I think my energy is increasing. I can’t drink carbonated drinks quickly, but they are tasting better.
Last week we saw some of Rachel’s family, and this week and in two weeks we are seeing my family. It is hilarious, because the visits are seemingly about me – but they are really just family coming together and always end up being a lot about our kids. I kind of expect the time to be about me, but I don’t think I really want it to be. If I am honest I feel disappointed, then relieved. I think this week will be like that. I love my family and it will be fun, but most of my energy will be put towards my girls and that is like the side effects going away – the world is returning to ‘normal’. In this case ‘normal’ means “without cancer”.
I owe a lot of people phone calls. I think Tom tops the list. I have to finish a class during this family time. But, I finished a longer systematic theology class during Chemo – surely that was harder!
Anyway, I just wanted to throw an update out there. Many have mentioned wanting to hear from Rachel. I’m sure she will post again when she has the energy! We’re beginning to think about what we learned, but in a lot of ways we’re holding off those thoughts until 2010 (or later). If we ever land on anything we will let you know. For now we are glad that the ‘treatments’ are over.
I was looking for a new picture of Julia scratching the crap out of my hairless head, but it doesn’t appear to be on the computer yet. She is very randomly violent… Maybe I will can find it later and post it. She looks happy and I look like there are ten wasps on my head.
Bathtime
Today Rachel (Matt writing) went to visit some friends in the hospital and bring them dinner. It is actually their son who is sick, and if you have the time they could use your prayers also.
Anyway, so I bathed Julia first because Caroline asked me to Caroline does not like baths as much as she has in the past even though we have taken to calling them “Fairy Princess Bubble Baths”. So, Julia was clean, lotioned, pajamed, and playing while Caroline was playing (she actually wanted to play… which is slightly less amazing than the fact that she did not cry when I shampooed and Conditionered her hair).
Julia and I played in her room for awhile and then went to big sister’s room where there are more toys. Of course Julia doesn’t know what to do with many of them so she was simply handing them to me. As I sat on the floor I realized I was stretching my head to hear Caroline make noises (it is easy to hear her in Julia’s room, but much harder in her room). To make matters worse she was actually dunking a bottle and letting bubbles out of it. So, I would stretch my head and hear just bubbles… Nerve wracking!
I finally said, “Caroline, I need you to say ‘I’m okay Daddy’.” She had been listening well all day and she sort of whispered, “I’m okay Daddy…” but I heard her. Its amazing to know that she hasn’t ever really had an accident in the tub, she is a very careful kid, etc. Her whispering that just made me sigh deeply in relief. And, I decided since I was the parent and didn’t need an anxiety attack – Julia and I could play in Julia’s room where I would worry less. Chances are lower that she would indulge me a second time with the “I’m okay Daddy”.
It occurred to me that many of you who read this might need to hear me say that I am okay. I am. My appetite is fantastic (well, it is selective but interested in a lot of whatever it wants… lately pizza). Today I was helping a friend move and had a cup of coffee. It was maybe my third cup since beginning Chemo, and my first that I drank all of. I also didn’t eat much breakfast and it didn’t kill me (the appetite works in multiple ways usually… I HAD been feeling queasy anytime my stomach was empty. See previous Facebook update of the four plates of nachos that came after dinner). I have started reading again (Dubus). I finished my have-to-go-on-campus-class. I’m even planning on doing some work on our fence tomorrow after church. I talked to a friend today and she was just so relieved to hear that I was doing well. I hope you are too. Thank you for your time, your prayers, your thoughts, those who brought us a blueberry pie, those who have planned parties for us, those who want to plan parties, those who facebook, those who call… I could go on and on. Thank you. This isn’t my last blog or anything, but I just feel a lot better and wanted you to know.
Ah-Da (Julia, "All done")
Today was my last day of Chemotherapy. The doctor is very confident that this is it. Rachel is even more confident. Last week some people were asking me how they can help her, and I just kept thinking, ‘She just needs Chemo to be over… Can you make it next Tuesday?’ Well, Tuesday is here, I had treatment this morning at 10:00, and we’re all downhill.
I played basketball last night and it continues to be a nice gift. Although my friend Matt got slapped in the face and headbutted… But, we won and I played effectively (didn’t have to foul anybody to get out of the game like 2 weeks ago).
My girls are so fun to hang out with. We went to the park this evening and they are a lot of fun. Ron even got to Whomp a lab that came running to him (Ron broke out of his leash… you should see him after he gets to whomp a dog, he is so happy…).
Julia is starting to “express” herself a bit more. Which means she scratches and claws when not being heard. Caroline is listening better (and worse), and becoming far more interesting.
I should say something REALLY inspiring, but we are just so glad to be done. I wonder if we have been inspiring to any of the nurses or doctors. I kind of doubt it. Apparently my chemo is pretty rigorous and they usually just felt sorry for me.
I will continue to do school this summer. My next CAT scan is in November or December (remember I had one after surgery and they couldn’t see the cancer then). My next meeting with the doc will be at the end of August. My overall recovery should take about a month – including hair.
Thank you for your prayers, notes, meals, thoughts, etc.
Matt Blazer's Blog 